When It's Time
by AdelaidesLament
Summary: In the wake of J.T.'s death and the merge of Lakehurst/Degrassi Montreal native Scout Derring or "Sid" is finding her place in Degrassi.  As she begins to be-friend certain Lakehurst students she realizes that only drama follows for her.  Johnny/OC.
1. She's A Rebel

**I do not own Degrassi. I do own Sid. (the bio is on my profile picture.)**

**Title: When It's Time**

**Main Characters: Sid Derring, Johnny DiMarco**

**Slightly AU, takes place during season 7. Follows most episodes, though centers around Sid mostly.**

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><p>I felt myself get shoved and heard the faint sound of the person passing me mutter a "lakerhurst whore" under their breath. A short, unattractive guy with glasses looked back and glared at me. The principal had warned me about this. Just a short while ago a guy from their school had gotten stabbed in the back and now the school the other guy was from had burned down and they were being jumbled together. Great time for me to start, way to find a "new start" mom.<p>

I shrugged the guy off and adjusted my own glasses as I headed into the school. The front desk was uncluttered and I headed up to the woman behind there, offering her an unreturned smile.

"Um…I'm supposed to start today." I stated.

"Name?" The woman asked, glancing at me lazily. Kids passed by me on the way to their classes.

"Scout Derring." I replied wishing my mom's car was still outside. Maybe my doctor was right, maybe I couldn't handle public high school.

"Here's your time table, locker number, and a map of the school. On your time table are a list of electives, decide which ones your interested in participating in. You can't sign up for fall sports because the season already started. That includes cheerleading." She stated, the whole sentence a drawn out monotone.

"Thanks." I shrugged and took the papers from her, heading down the hall to my locker. I had toured the school last Saturday but I still had a hard time finding my way.

The bell had already rung by the time I found my locker but I barely paid attention, happy to be in an empty hallway for once. I was already attempting to condition myself for whatever surprises might come my way today. My mom had told me high school would be fun and spontaneous. I hated spontaneity.

Advanced English was my first class of the day. It wasn't technically advanced; I just got lumped in with 11th graders instead of being stuck with my own age group. That was alright with me though, it's not like I knew anyone yet anyway.

"Can I help you?" The English teacher looked annoyed that I was disrupting her class.

"Uh, yeah…I'm supposed to be in your class." I replied, holding out my schedule as proof.

"Hmm…let me see."

She opened her dayplanner and looked through her student list. I could feel all the other kids staring at me as I stood up there, holding up whatever discussion they were having.

"Scout Derring?" She smiled and checked off my name.

"uh yeah…or Sid." I replied.

"Okay, well Sid, you can sit…next to Darcy. Darcy could you raise your hand for our new student." She stated.

There were two empty seats in the classroom. One in the very back by a blond girl and another near the door. The blond raised her hand in the area and I carried my stuff to the back to sit next to her.

"Hey, I'm Darcy Edwards." She whispered, smiling at me.

"Sid Derring." I answered and smiled back.

I didn't talk much the rest of class, scribbling neatly on my page as I wrote my notes in order. The school was overcrowded, even in the classrooms I was shoving around people to get to my seat and sometimes the teacher had to make me share with another student because there weren't enough desks.

After the second time having to share a desk with a another student I was getting kind of frustrated. Normally it was me sitting next to some one and balancing all my stuff on my lap. During math the girl I was sharing a desk with, Mia, promised to let me share with her in every classroom.

"I'm getting pummeled just walking down the hall." I stated, trying to dodge that stupid nerd from earlier. He was seriously pissing me off.

"It's really crowded." Mia replied and stopped at her locker.

"I noticed." I answered. "What happened anyway. Some kid got stabbed and your school turned into a zoo?"

"J.T. wasn't just some kid!" Mia shouted, startling me.

"Whatever, I have to put my books away." I walked back to my locker across the hall, I know I had pissed her off somehow but I seriously didn't care. These Degrassi kids were nasty; no wonder one of them got stabbed. I had wanted to stab that nerd all day.

"Way to piss off Mamma Mia." A girl with long ginger hair stated, leaning against my locker. She had been in three of my classes this morning.

"Like I care. All these Degrassi kids are a pain in the ass." I muttered. "No offense."

"None taken. I'm Holly J. Sinclair, Lakehurst transfer." She stated.

"Sid Derring transfer from Montreal…apparently transferred at the wrong time." I stated, looking around the hall.

"So why Sid? I heard the teacher call you Scout." Holly J. stated as we headed down the hall to class. I passed Mia, crying to that Darcy girl about how mean I was.

"It's my initials. Scout Indiana Derring. Sid." I replied and walked into Health class with Holly J.

"Cool." She stopped when at two seats that were being occupied already. The two guys sitting there didn't look up when Holly J stopped in front of them, they were laughing about something.

"Your in my seat." Holly J stated, hands on her hips.

The guy who looked up first smirked at her. He was pretty cute in a grungy badass kind of way. He had shoulder length curly blond hair. His friend was bigger, in height and size, with similar hair that was brown. Both of them dressed like they were homeless or something.

"Don't see your name on it." He replied.

"I sit there everyday." She retorted.

"Do I look like I care?" He asked and his friend snickered behind him.

"You look like you don't bathe." I answered and he turned his head to look at me.

I tried my hardest to stare back, he had the bluest eyes I'd ever seen. After a moment he stood up, grabbing his bag off the floor and slinging it over his shoulder.

His friend followed suit, standing up too and making me believe that he probably wasn't supposed to be in 10th grade anymore.

"Whatever, I hate this class anyway." He shoved passed us, knocking my shoulder as he went. I turned my head and watched as he walked away, ignoring the fact that the teacher was walking in after him.

"Who was that?" I asked, taking the seat he had been sitting in earlier. He had carved a "Degrassi Sucks" into it.

"Johnny DiMarco and his Neanderthal friend Bruce." Holly J rolled her eyes.

Another girl with redder hair and braces came in and sat down beside Holly J, listening to a play-by-play of the last five minutes events as I took my house keys from the clip on the back of my shorts. I carved into the desk beside Johnny's writing, barely paying attention to the teacher try to talk about the blood stream. Kids in health class are all the same, they want to talk about sex and watch the baby video.

"What are you doing?" The other red head asked and I turned to look over my shoulder at her.

"Writing." I shrugged and cocked my head at the desk.

Holly J laughed quietly behind me and the other girl blushed and smiled before looking forward again. She was trying to pay attention to the teacher and not make too much of a disruption. I had distracted both of them by adding a neatly written "dick" to Johnny's "Degrassi Sucks".

The rest of the day went by fairly quick. I spent it following Holly J and Anya around, talking to the two girls about Montreal and my lame mom's new job. Holly J said her sister had gone to Degrassi but thankfully her parents had moved to a larger house before she had to enter Degrassi. Of course now she was stuck here like the rest of us.

"What the hell is your problem?" I snapped as that stupid nerd shoved passed me again.

"My problem is that you're breathing." He answered.

"That's a bit harsh don't you think? What'd I ever do to you?" I asked, hands going to my hips.

We were outside of the school, other kids shuffling onto the buses or getting into cars. I was waiting for my mom. There was a teacher over by the other side of the front steps but he wasn't paying any attention to this kid bugging me.

"You came to this school." He answered. Short and sweet.

"Listen douche bag, I'm not from Lakehurst okay…I just got here today from Montreal. So unless you have some issue with kids from Montreal I'd prefer if you stay the fuck out of my way." I hissed. I was like four inches taller than him and I was 15.

"Hey I didn't know." He replied, holding his hands up in surrender. Suddenly all nice.

"So that's you treat people you don't know. Degrassi kids are fucking messed up. I wish I was from Lakehurst just so I could have a reason to hate you." I replied.

"You don't have to be rude." He yelled as I walked away.

"You're the one who called me a whore like five times today and told me five minutes ago that you wished I was dead. And you want me to be nicer?" I snapped.

He opened his mouth to say something when Johnny and Bruce walked up behind him, shoving passed him and nearly knocking him to the ground. Neither of them bothered to look at him as they walked passed. I watched them walk passed me, Johnny stopping and turning to look back at me over his shoulder.

"Yo vicious…you wanna hang?" He asked, looking at me.

"Me." I asked, pointing to myself.

"Yeah you." He nodded his head like I was stupid.

"Sure." I nodded my head and turned away from the guy who had been yelling at me earlier, following Johnny and Bruce away from the school.

"Way to tell off Isaacs." Bruce laughed and clapped a hand on my shoulder.

"What's his damage anyway?" I asked, looking at Bruce.

"He was friend's with the kid that got knifed." Johnny spoke up but he looked like he didn't really want to talk about it. I only nodded my head and didn't reply. I figured that keeping quiet was the best solution.

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><p><strong>Notes: I know Johnny and Bruce are both 11th graders but Sid doesn't know that yet, that's why I said they were 10th graders. <strong>

**Let me know what you think. Even if you just want to tell me you hate it. That's okay, all criticism is accepted. **


	2. Too Much Too Soon

**That was quick. **

**Okay so I tried to have more detail...i always either write a lot of dialogue or a lot of detail, so hopefully this is enough of both. I used certain parts of the episode Death Or Glory pt. 1. Obviously not the Spinner getting cancer part because she doesn't know him. Also just to pinpoint when she came to Degrassi, so it's not directly after spring break. It's like the middle of everything. **

**Uh...I don't own degrassi, hope you like this chapter though. **

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><p>"Wow, Jonah…did you know school lasted so long at Degrassi." My mom's voice came from somewhere in the back of our house as I entered through the front door. My younger brother Jonah was lying on the dining room table, holding color templates up to the ceiling.<p>

"You're super funny mom." I called, watching as the sliding doors to the kitchen opening and my mom came out with a platter of food in her hands.

Jonah rolled off the table and moved out of my mom's way as she set up a place for dinner. It was already 9 o'clock at night but we were just having dinner now. I shoved Jonah toward the couch where his homework sat scattered across the coffee table and floor.

"I thought I said that straight after school you should come home to watch your brother." My mom stated, hurrying back into the kitchen. Someone must be coming over if she was actually preparing a meal.

"He's 12 years old mom, I think he can handle spending some time alone. You were fine right Jonah…you weren't robbed, kidnapped, held at gun point, molested or victim of a home invasion?"

"Pretty sure I wasn't. I think I possibly was probed by aliens but nothing too serious." He responded, glancing up from his math book.

"Haha. Honestly Scout,"

"Sid mom. Everyone calls me Sid."

"I didn't name you Sid. Now, honestly, where were you?" She asked, stopping her assembly line behavior for a moment to actually look at me.

My white t-shirt had a stain on the side where some idiot had spilled his beer when he was leaning over me to talk to his friend. White was never a good choice for me, I should have known better. My legs were pocked with mosquito bites from all the insects that festered around there. I was allergic to them anyway so the red marks had swollen up and looked like lumps under my skin. Thankfully my jeans were dark colored otherwise I know my mom would have picked up on the stain on my back pocket where Bruce had grabbed my butt with his muddy hand.

I placed my hands on my hips, as Holly J like as I could and stood there, my mismatched socked feet pointing in at the toes as I waited for my mother's verdict. Jonah sat on his knees, leaning over the couch, I could see him when I glanced over my shoulder.

"What's that on your shirt?" She asked, stepping forward and grabbing my shirt. She nearly lifted it clean off my body as she tugged it up and pressed her nose to the fabric. If constantly smelling clothing was a required part of motherhood I was never having children.

"A stain." I responded.

"A beer stain. Were you drinking?" She asked, letting my now rumpled shirt go. I might as well throw it out at this point. I had been manhandled by my mother because some jackass couldn't hold a bottle properly.

"You wanna stick your head in my mouth to check or will you believe a no?" I asked, tugging my shirt off and tossing it in the hamper by the bottom of the stairs.

"There's a boy in the room!" Jonah shouted and I turned to watch him roll off the couch in an attempt to dramatically cover his eyes.

"Don't be such a little shit Jonah, I'm not naked." I shouted back.

"Language Scout." My mom corrected. I had forgotten the conversation at hand.

"Well?" I asked, looking at her.

"If you come home smelling like a bar again you'll be grounded. Go upstairs and change into something appropriate. I have a friend coming over." She answered, hurrying to grab the laundry basket and move it downstairs.

"Why is your 'friend' coming over so late?" I asked, stopping at the middle of the stairs.

"He works late. Go." She pointed up.

I hurried upstairs, listening to her telling Jonah to clean up his homework before her friend got to our house. I still needed to do my homework for the night; I had barely glanced at the assignments when I scribbled them down earlier in the afternoon.

I tossed my bag on my bed and pulled a clean purple v-neck over my head in an attempt to clean myself up quickly. I took my hair out and ran a brush through it as I used my other hand to rummage through my bookbag. My hair was a tangled mess and I hadn't brushed it in three days. I had washed it yesterday but I never bothered with the brushing because my hair always tangled so quickly. Now I was pulling strands of broken hair out of my brush as I smoothed out knots.

"Scout!" My mom yelled and my phone rang at the same time.

"Coming!" I shouted back and grabbed my cellphone out of my bag. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's Holly J." I grinned because she rhymed and listened as she asked me something about the science homework sheet that was handed out.

"I haven't started my homework yet, I just got home and have to eat dinner still." I replied, balancing the phone in my hand and tossing my hairbrush in the trash. My trashcan was always empty because I used it to store my hairbrush when I didn't have time to take the hair out of it.

"Yeah, Anya said she saw you leaving with Johnny and Bruce. Ew." I assumed by the way she sounded she had made an equally amusing face.

"Yeah that was a waste of time and clean shirts. I doubt I'll be hanging out with them again. I'm not into the whole getting drunk and having sex in a van thing." I laughed. "I'd like to not get STD's before my 16th birthday."

"Totally." She laughed. "They're a bunch of uncivilized pigs. They give Lakehurst a bad name. Johnny was friends with that guy that stabbed J.T. Yorke. I heard that he was there that night too."

"No way…" I muttered, that was creepy no wonder he had dropped the subject. Now I almost felt bad for yelling at that Isaacs kid and leaving.

"Scout!"

"I have to go…see you at school?" I asked.

"Of course." She replied and hung up. I stood there for a minute with my phone in my hand, my brain going a million different ways.

"SCOUT!"

"COMING!" I shouted and threw my phone down, running down the stairs and nearly crashing into the banister on the bottom landing.

Just as I righted myself my mom opened the door to allow an older guy to walk in and I wondered if she had been waiting for me to come down before letting him in. He smiled and greeted each of us, my mom receiving a peck on the cheek like they were some fifth grade couple.

"Dinosaur alert." My brother muttered as we followed them to the dining room table. My mom had slid the doors to the kitchen shut so that no one could see in to it. That was good, it meant she wasn't familiar enough with him to let him stay over because her room was in the basement and the basement door was in the kitchen.

**SID*SID*SID*SID*SID**

"So your mom had some guy over?" Holly J asked as we stood at her locker.

"A total dinosaur." I replied, pushing my bangs out of my eyes.

"A what?" Anya asked, walking up and fixing her bag. Both girls wore mini-skirts and blouses. I felt a little left out.

"Sid said her mom had some guy over last night and he was a total dinosaur. Like eons old." Holly J laughed and Anya smiled nervously. She had a lot less confidence that Holly J had. It was obviously not an equal friendship but I didn't say anything to Holly J or Anya about it.

"Ew." Anya made a face at me and I laughed.

"I'll see you in math." I stated as I headed down the hall toward my English class. The warning bell was ringing in my ears and kids were rushing to finish whatever they were doing at their lockers before their classes officially started.

I walked in to a barely full class, noting that today the seat by the door had been filled with a body. I walked over to him and stopped in front of the desk, he was sitting there reading something and he didn't look up when I came in.

"Are you in 11th grade?" I asked curiously, I was technically just killing time before Darcy came in, I couldn't remember which seat was mine when the class wasn't full.

"I'm sitting here aren't I?" Johnny replied but didn't glance up.

"Guess so…" I muttered, no good comeback in my mind.

"You bailed last night." He responded. I had, actually, just gotten up and left. I was sitting with a whole group of people when that beer-totting idiot came over to talk to Bruce and spilled his bottle down my side. I had gotten up immediately, almost knocking the guy on his butt, and stalked off.

"I got beer spilled on my shirt." I answered, "It wasn't exactly a pleasant evening."

"And you expected it to be?" He asked like I had grown two heads and was telling him that was normal.

"I don't know." I shrugged and moved away from his desk without another word. Darcy had come in and sat down so I headed over to my seat and took it before the teacher and the rest of the students filled into the class.

Darcy, as expected, was not happy to see me this morning. For all the happy, Jesus-loves-you talk she was spewing in the halls yesterday she looked ready to murder me today. I admit that I feel bad for making Mia upset but honestly, what did she expect me to have psychic powers that told me that her and J.T. had a thing before he was murdered. I had no idea, I had never heard of the kid in my life. No local newscaster was reporting school stabbings in my old area.

Thankfully class is not equipped for talking, only simple note passing and I wasn't about to pass a note to Darcy. My issue was with Mia and I know she thought she was being the best best-friend ever by being a bitch to me but that didn't mean I was suddenly going to hand out a formal apology to her.

Once the bell rang I got out of class as quickly as I could avoiding Darcy and Johnny like they were the freaking Nile Plague reborn. Maybe apologizing to Mia would make Darcy talk to me again though if she kept being this whiny and obnoxious I would literally ripe her throat out of her body.

But maybe Darcy's whole karma complex, that's what Holly J called it anyway, was working on me because when I beat the bell into Math class only Mia, Sav Bhandari, That annoying cheerleader Chantey and three other kids I didn't know yet were in there.

I headed over to the desk beside Mia's and sat down, math wasn't assigned but she'd probably hired body-guards to block my sitting with her once class began. She didn't looked over when I sat down, just sucked in a breath and stared at the chalkboard like it was going to come to life.

"Listen Mia,"

"I see your becoming one of Holly J's clones." Mia cut me off, turning her head quickly giving me whiplash by association.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, I certainly didn't look like Holly J. I hadn't even remembered to put cover-up on the blackheads invading my forehead. Though I had managed to cover my blotchy legs with a pair of jeans today.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You're just trying to find someone to latch onto while you're here." She bit out.

"Well I kind of want to make friends. Listen, I'm sorry for what I said okay, that was really mean of me to say, especially to you. And you were nothing but nice to me. I don't know what you're feeling but I know when my friend died last year it was really hard to get through. And it must be ten times worse with all these kids…especially having to see Johnny and his friends hanging around the halls." I stated, feeling good I had actually succeed in conveying my original thoughts, though my sputtering run on sentences were a bit much.

"Thank you for apologizing. I'm sorry I was so mad at you. It's nice to have someone new who doesn't immediately look at me and think 'there's that girl whose boyfriend got killed she must feel so sad all the time'." She replied and offered me a smile.

Holly J and Anya came in and I had to admit that I agreed with Mia, they looked like twins. If I had only seen them together like this yesterday I would have completely believed that they were related in some way.

Holly J ignored Mia but she sat down in front of us, Anya sitting next to her and sending a small, noticeable wave Sav's way before everyone stared filling into their seats. All three girls had a cheerleading meet during lunch, Mia explained quietly that they were trying to merge Degrassi and Lakehurst cheerleading squads to form one, new Spirit Squad. It seemed a little hopeless…no one in this school had any spirit left in them from what I could tell.

I didn't want to sit with Johnny or Bruce at lunch, if they went to lunch though they probably did, so I agreed to go to the cheerleading meet with Mia, Holly J and Anya.

"I just have to buy my lunch first." I responded. I got in line behind a blond girl and watched as Johnny and his friends sat there in the front of the cafeteria shouting and shoving each other. I heard a guy passing me mutter about them always being so loud all the time. They were, I agreed silently, always loud.

"Oh my god!" The blond girl in front of me stopped walking and I looked up in time to see one of the guys from earlier going over to Johnny and his friends. They were busy trying to shove something that looked a little like rice pudding in that Isaacs kid's face.

I didn't hear what the other guy said but I was pretty sure he told Johnny to knock it off because I heard Johnny reply along the lines of "Sorry man" before turning away. The others didn't move and Johnny turned back to throw a punch when the other guy caught it and twisted his arm.

A guy in a wheelchair and a few other people sitting with them cheered, the whole cafeteria of Degrassi kids clapping. I balanced my tray in one hand and pressed my other hand to my mouth; me and the blond next to me both shouting a loud "go Degrassi" together. She laughed and turned to me smiling.

"Emma Nelson." She reached her hand out.

"Sid Derring." I smiled and took my tray in both hands again heading out of the cafeteria, passing a pissed off Johnny on my way to the cheerleading practice. I grinned at him because honestly, I thought it was hysterical that he just got shown up in front of the whole school. Whoever that guy was who did it was seriously awesome.

**SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID**

"Unfortunately I can't, I have detention." Darcy stated and I glanced over in her general detention. I was sitting on the stage in the gym with Holly J and Anya, eating lunch. Darcy was talking to some girl with unnaturally blond hair.

"What? Darc, are you sure you're okay?" The girl asked, placing her hand on Darcy's arm. Was everyone around here screwed up?

"So what happened in the Café?" Anya asked, taking a bite of her sandwich. Even her lunch was identical to Holly J's.

"Uh Johnny DiMarco and some other guys were bullying that Isaac's kid," I started.

"Toby." A voice cut in and I turned to see Chantey.

"What?"

"His name is Toby." She replied.

"Whatever so they were bullying _Toby_ and this other guy with brown hair…I think he's a senior. He jumped in to stop it and Johnny tried to throw a punch at him but he grabbed his hand and twisted his arm." I stated.

"Was the other guy Spinner?" Chantey asked.

"I don't know." I shrugged, how was I supposed to know who the hell the other guy was. All I know is that he went to Degrassi and was older then me. He looked sort of like he should have graduated before then but so did a few of the Lakehurst guys.

"Probably was." Chantey stated before walking away from the three of us.

"God she's annoying." I muttered and Holly J laughed.

Whatever conversation Darcy was having with died-blond girl had ended and I had missed the whole friendship hug/venting problems moment I was so eager to eavesdrop into in the first place. Darcy didn't seem like the looking for trouble type so I imagined whatever shit she had gotten herself into was serious.

"Are you joining the Spirit Squad?" I turned to see the fake blond standing there staring at me as I hogged out on my sandwich.

"Uh, I thought try-outs were closed." I replied, swallowing and taking a sip of water. My sips were more like me emptying half the bottle down my throat though.

"Some girls quit the squad because we're combining both schools." She stated, "Others have graciously stayed on." She shot Holly J a look. I assume Holly J was already making frenemies within the squad. It seemed to be her specialty.

"Um…I haven't cheered since grade school." I replied, trying to think of a way to politely say no. I didn't really want to step on any more toes.

"It'll be fun Sid." Holly J chided next to me and I was tempted to send her a glaring look but I only managed a nod of my head toward the fake blond. Holly J's powers of persuasion were pretty damn strong.

"Fantastic. I'm Manny and I will get you a form to sign out with your name and sizes. Spirit Squad will be a blast, trust me." She smiled and headed off before I could reply any further.

Just the words Spirit Squad made me feel like I had swallowed some kind of cough syrup that tasted like black licorice. I wasn't even ready to think about the sort of outfits they'd be shoving my body into. Blue and yellow are not exactly equals on the color wheel and I was not looking forward to flashing the combo on my skin.

"Thanks a lot HJ." I muttered, tossing a chip at her head.

"What I need more people on Spirit Squad to back me up. All I have is Anya. Most of the Lakehurst girls quit the squad and the ones that didn't don't exactly like me that much." Holly J replied.

"Here you go, uh…" Manny had returned and held the form out to me, trailing at the end of her sentence in search of a name.

"Sid." I replied and took the papers from her.

Despite my earlier intent to apologize to Toby Isaacs for our shouting match in the parking lot yesterday I never saw him after lunch was over. I kept the forms for cheerleading in my locker and didn't bother focusing on much besides school for the remainder of the day. My mom would be happy about the cheerleading squad news; she had been a cheerleader in high school and college. Apparently it was some amazing right of passage in my mom's mind. She would probably think it meant I had found normal friends too.

I didn't see Johnny again until the end of the day. He had skipped out on Health class again and I didn't sit in his seat this time. When I finally did see him he was in the computer lab with Darcy, Bruce and two other kids. I assumed it was detention because school had officially ended and Darcy had mentioned earlier that she had gotten a detention.

I had forgotten my sweatshirt in my locker and had gone back to get it, stopping for a moment to look into the computer lab. Johnny and Bruce were taunting Darcy about something, I couldn't hear but I saw her lower her sweatshirt off her shoulder and Bruce say something. Mr. Simpson wasn't in the room so I knocked on the glass door lightly to get their attention.

"Darc," I called and she turned around to look over at me. Johnny and Bruce both glanced around her at me. "Manny didn't give me a schedule for practice."

"I have one in my locker. I can call you later?" Darcy suggested.

"Don't tell me you signed up for cheerleading." Bruce laughed and Johnny grinned.

"Don't worry Bruce I can still kick your ass too." I sneered. They were bugging me today and I wasn't sure if it was just because of what Holly J had told me.

"Call me later, don't want to get you in trouble." I stated and backed out of the computer lab as Mr. Simpson came back in on the other side.

I could Mr. Simpson telling them to be quiet and stop talking even as I headed out of the building. Yesterday I had ditched waiting for my mom to pick me up and today I had told her not to bother. The school wasn't that far away from our house and I was happy to be able to walk home.

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><p><strong>Comments welcome! <strong>

**Let me know how you think this is going or how you think it should go or if you hate me making Sid a cheerleader...probably not for long.**


	3. Favorite Son

**Okay...nope, I have nothing to start this off with besides...enjoy.**

**Oh and I meant to tell you earlier. The title "When It's Time" is based on an unreleased song by Billie Joe Armstrong that he wrote for his wife and that appears in the musical American Idiot. It's so beautiful, like not even what you would think of for Greenday. **

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><p>"<em>Did you hand in your form yet? They have to order you're uniform before the season officially starts." Anya was saying, standing by my locker. <em>

_I tried to pay attention. _

I really hadn't meant to even talk to him today. I liked Holly J and Anya, they seemed like the sort of people I should be hanging around; the sort of people I used to hang around. So I wanted to focus on them right now, on becoming friends with them.

"_Uh, I'll hand it in today." I responded, though I honestly don't think I realized what she was talking about._

I wasn't going to bother with him until I saw him coming down the hall. On any normal day I would have been highly amused with the way he and his friends sauntered down the hallway like they owned it. They always walked right down the middle, him first with them on either side like they were bodyguards. I thought it made them look stupid, I guess they thought it was cool.

"_Are you listening?" Anya asked, knocking her fist on my locker. _

"_What? Yeah…I'll be right back." I mumbled, closing my locker door and walking away. _

Today the only thing I really saw was his eye. The color staining his skin was dark purple near his eye, fading out to a vomitus yellow color as it grazed his hairline. I wasn't sure if any other part of his face was bruised, I thought maybe there was a cut tucked under the purple mark but I couldn't tell from my spot beside my locker.

"What happened to your eye?" I walked all the way to his locker, I assume it's his locker since he opened it and there were books inside, and asked immediately. Bruce stood on the other side of him and laughed at me.

"Nothing _mother_." Johnny replied and turned to look at me. I swallowed because the sight of his black eye was enough to make me sick.

"I was just being concerned." I retorted. I didn't have time for this; I had cheerleading practice in 5 minutes. Or maybe it was 3 minutes by now.

"Well it's nothing I can't handle." He answered and slammed his locker shut.

Guys always did that and it always pissed me off. They always said lame-ass stuff about being fine or being able to handle it. I wanted to scream. My dad always did the same thing, "I'll be fine Scout", "It's just a cough Kel, Nothing to worry about". There was never anything wrong until finally there was _something_ wrong and he couldn't do a damn thing about it.

"Sorry for asking then." I responded and adjusted the strap on my bag. "Next time tell him to hit you harder, maybe knock some sense into you."

He didn't say anything, just walked away from me like we hadn't even had a conversation. Bruce laughed again, as if Johnny ignoring my existence was the funniest thing he had ever encountered. I didn't bother being upset, I wasn't going to run into the bathroom crying for ten hours because some guy silently informed me to stay the hell out of his business. He was probably right, I should stay out of his business, and I was trying to. I was trying to focus on myself and what I needed to do to actually succeed a year at Degrassi.

"_You hang out with Chantey sometimes right?" I asked, sitting beside Anya on the floor for stretching. It felt like I was slicing my leg in pieces with a knife._

"_Yeah why?" Anya nodded._

"_And she's a total gossip-whore?" I replied, opting to forget stretching and just sit normally for the remainder of warm-ups._

"_I wouldn't say it like that." Anya replied and leaned to do a V-sit. She thought it like that._

"_Does she know who hit Johnny?" I asked._

"_Johnny DiMarco?" Anya asked, her voice disbelieving as she sat up and quirked an eyebrow at me. I was jealous she could actually make her facial muscles do that simple movement._

"_Yeah."_

"_Why?" _

"_Curiosity." I replied, lifting my arms above my head in a mock stretch when Manny came into the gym._

"_She said there's a video on the Anti-grapevine. Uh, I think it was that guy Spinner." She replied._

"_Oh, okay, whatever." I nodded my head. The guy from the café. Obviously they had a serious beef going if every two seconds they were trying to beat the shit out of each other. _

"_Why?"_

"_What?" I looked over._

"_Why are you asking about Johnny?"_

"_I told you, I was just curious." I replied and got up, moving away from her. _

Cheerleading was not one of those things. There was no insane, overly-dramatic cat-fight that ensued I just told Darcy that cheerleading was not going to be something I could fully commit to.

"I don't understand why not. It's not like this is the hardest thing in the world, the cheers we do right now are totally standard." She replied before I even finished my sentence.

Whenever Darcy got mad she narrowed her eyes and puckered her lips and looked just a tad bitchy-er than I honestly pegged her for being when I first met her. She looked like she would kill you if you didn't ultimately agree with everything she said. Sort of two-faced in a way.

"I can't do lifts." I replied simply and put my bag down. The stress of it was weighing on my neck.

"Well, build upper body strength and we can teach you the correct hand formation." Darcy pushed, god she was persistent.

"I can't do lifts. At all. I have a bad leg." I answered, hands going to my hips. It was a very powerful gesture, one that Darcy immediately imitated.

"What?"

"I have, a bad, leg." I answered slowly, breaking my words up.

"I heard you the first time. Why would you sign up for cheerleading if you have a bad leg?" She asked, her eyebrows got all close-knit.

"I thought it was like pom-poms and hand movements." I gestured, one of those typical one arm up one arm on my hip movements.

"This is highschool cheerleading!" Darcy exclaimed and I was honestly waiting for her to stomp her foot, throw herself on the floor, and have a total breakdown.

"Chill Darc, We'll work something out." Manny and her fake-blond hair ran forward, pulling Darcy away.

"Sorry Darcy." I shrugged, watching them go.

This wasn't the first time my leg had stopped me from doing something. This was the first time it was something I didn't absolutely care about though. I don't know how long it took for me to fall, I asked my mom but she thought that was a sort of morbid question. I just know that afterward I realized that things would be different. I had spent years working so hard and now my leg was always going to be busted because of nerves that didn't know to heal. My neck would always hurt and I would always have migraines. There was nothing I could do to fix that, to somehow erase the time and go back to before. Sometimes I barely felt anything, just a sharp tingle as if my foot had been asleep for a while but other times it felt like I couldn't even stand up.

I left the gym after that because I was embarrassed. I couldn't do a simple lift. I knew what they looked like, they were easy, I had done them in 5th grade when I was on a community cheerleading squad. I was always on the bottom but I could still do them. Now I couldn't even be the top of a lift.

At least today was Friday. At least that meant that for two whole days I could have nothing to do with anyone who went to that school or lived in this neighborhood. I could go home today, relax and spend the weekend catching up on my sleep. And possibly kicking my brother's ass at some video games.

"Sid!" Principal Hatzilakos was walking up behind me on my way to my locker.

"Yeah?" She wore really short skirts for being the principal.

"Listen I was talking to your mother and we were thinking maybe some counseling sessions with Ms. Sauve would help you transition into school better." She stated, moving her hands about to gesture what she was talking about, like I didn't get it already.

"I'm fine." I replied and turned to leave.

"There are plenty of other students who go through counseling at Degrassi." She stated, stepping forward. She'd probably corner me at my locker if she had to.

"If there are plenty of others than I'm sure she'll be too busy to pay attention to me." I answered.

"I really think you should consider it. Your mom told me about your incident last fall and we just want you to feel like this is a safe place." She replied.

I stood there silently. I wanted to scream in her face. To tell her to back the fuck off because I could handle my own life. Now who sounded like Johnny and my dad. No wonder he walked off when I was talking to him, maybe this is how he felt. Like he wanted to ripe my head off and tell me to stay the hell away from him.

I wanted to tell her that there was nothing to feel safe about in this place. A kid got stabbed? Someone called me a whore on my first day of school and they didn't even know me. If I sat with Holly J and Anya then the kids from Degrassi looked at me like I was Satan in the flesh. Johnny got his ass kicked and was walking around like the poster child for juvenile delinquents. If she could tell me how to feel safe in these halls, under this roof then she was damn near a miracle worker.

"I can handle it." I responded.

She didn't know anything about me. She knew what my mom told her. About the "incident". I didn't want to talk about it. There was nothing to talk about. I just wanted to feel something other then indifferent for once in a while. Without adults interfering and messing everything up with the stupid bad timing and empty promises.

"Are you sure?" She said it like any principal would, formal with the smallest hint of actually caring about me.

Maybe it wasn't so bad after all. Maybe I needed something outside of my house and my mom and Jonah. I needed someone who wasn't going to watch me like a hawk, asking everywhere I went because she was afraid I would do something stupid. Maybe I needed someone who was going to ignore all the bullshit I put out about being fine and actually listen.

"No." I shrugged and it felt weird. The word leaving my mouth, not the action of shrugging.

I would meet on Thursdays. I would have to work around my cheerleading schedule, if there still was one. Knowing Holly J she would be on Darcy's ass all afternoon until they agreed to let me watch from the bench with a uniform on. That was all right with me. At least I was doing something that normal high school girls did. I wasn't going to tell anyone about the counseling, I even asked Principal Hatzilakos not to tell my mom. She didn't need to know I had agreed to see a counselor. She would just want to know what I said and whether she sounded like a bad parent.

She wasn't a bad parent. All the time. But I guess parents can't be good all the time either.

**SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID**

My mom wasn't home. Her car was in the driveway but I could tell from the absence of shoes and jacket by the coat racket on the wall that she was gone. Jonah was home, this time standing on the table in the dining area, a paint brush in his hand and about a dozen cans of paint beneath him.

"What are you doing?" I asked, following his example and looking up at the ceiling. He had made some progress, almost the entire ceiling was painted a bright and obnoxiously contrasting lime green. It was like staring up in a forest.

"Painting the ceiling." He answered but he didn't look at me.

"Mom?" I asked, walking into the kitchen and taking a diet coke from the refrigerator.

"Not home. Dinner money in the jar. Out with the dinosaur." He answered again before biting his lip.

I sat on the island in the kitchen, I could see most of him beyond the wall and the sliding doors, his right side cut off from my view. My brother was a strange kid. He always wanted to be _doing something. _Always eager to work.

I hope someday I'm like that.

"What do you want to eat?" I asked, pressing the can of soda to my forehead, I had a migraine from Darcy being a pain in the ass and the vomitus color of the uniforms.

"Chinese." He stated. "No interruptions."

"Hear you kid." I nodded and hopped off the counter, grabbing the phone from the charger on the countertop.

My mom ignored all the things Jonah did wrong. Like he stopped existing passed this perfect image of a boy. If he said a bad word she just smiled and nodded at him like he was two and she didn't understand. If he did something wrong she pretended she didn't notice. He had all this _potential_, all this _drive_ that she could look at say "there's a kid that's going _somewhere_ with his life." Like those disgusting teens in magazines, successful before they're even legal. My brother had a future already planned out before him and my mom was so proud. Underneath all that he was just_ angry_. But my mom didn't want to see angry.

But then I guess I was the same way. She was proud of me too. She saw all that potential in me, she bragged to her friends about me. I had all these plans and ideas, all this determination to become something. I had posters stuck on my walls that reminded me that persistence brought reward and patience was a virtue. I never had patience, I had drive.

Then I was fourteen and I just wanted everyone to like me. I wanted to disappear into the backdrop and blend into the world. I wanted friends and parties and boys who thought I was hot and cute and sexy. My mom told me it was alright, she knew I was upset about my dad. I don't know that I was. Or at least, that wasn't the reason. I didn't want to be lame or weird or stupid. I wanted kids to think that the stuff I was into was cool.

You can't please everyone.

Now there was something wrong with me, my mom could look at me and announce that I wasn't the girl she remembered, that something had changed about me and she wasn't sure when. But she knew when, she just didn't say.

"Is the food coming?" He asked finally.

"Yeah. You gonna take a break from the painting?" I asked, walking back into the living room. I sat on the back of the couch so I could watch him still.

"I have to finish. Mom didn't let me start earlier. Now I'm behind." He answered.

"Hey Jonah, you know…mom is going to set up meetings for me to talk to a counselor at school. Do you think maybe you would like to talk to a counselor too?" I asked.

"For what?" He looked over at me curiously, finally breaking concentration on his precious painting.

For smashing a window with a chair. For screaming at your teacher that you hated her and hoped she died. For burning my arm with a lighter when I tried to help you pack for the move. For giving me a black eye to rival Johnny's when I told you dad was dying. For kicking me in my bad leg when he actually did die. For nearly breaking my arm at the funeral.

"Maybe just to talk. About dad." I replied.

"Do you talk about dad?" He asked, his painting consuming his thoughts again.

"Sometimes. Not to the counselor. I haven't met with her yet." I replied.

"Do you talk about Matt?" He asked, looking over at me.

"We don't talk about Matt." I answered and stood up when the doorbell rang. "Anyway, dinner is here."

**SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID**

"How was he?" My mom asked, coming into the house. I was sitting on the couch watching Sid&Nancy with Jonah for the fiftieth time. He loved that movie, idolized it even. He had the most attentive stare when he sat there and watched it.

"Fine. We just ate dinner and watched this." I replied and stood up. I felt tired, like all the energy was drained out of me.

"Scout, I'm sorry about leaving him with you tonight…I know he can be a handful sometimes." My mom apologized, taking off her shoes.

"Trying spending ten minutes with him sometime mom. A handful is an understatement." I responded and handed her the channel changer so I could head upstairs.

"Could you bring him upstairs? I need to go shower." She hurried out of the living room before I could protest.

He hated being woken up and she knew it. She did it so she didn't have to see him misbehave. That was the word she always used. Like he was just goofing off and it got a little out of hand. I didn't argue with her though, I wrapped my arms under my little brother's armpits and pulled him up to a standing position so I could readjust him to carry upstairs. If I could get him in bed without waking him up tonight would be a success.

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><p><strong>Okay, hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think. Sorry there isn't alot of school interaction, I know I already had family stuff in the last chapter.<strong>


	4. Last Of The American Girls

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. A lot of things would be different if I did. **

**Chapter 4...thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far- Yeye-Lubz2-Dream, TheamazingShuckle, shorty021189 and Marie Beau! **

**Hope you guys like the 4th chapter. **

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><p>"Scout! I'm leaving in ten minutes!" My mom screamed up the stairs at me.<p>

"Coming!" I focused on my attention on my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I was working on applying what felt like a seventh layer of foundation to the area around the bottom right corner of my mouth. I couldn't cover the cut but the bruise was slowly fading behind the ivory colored cream.

"10, 9, 8, 7," I could hear my mom counting at the bottom of the stairs.

I tossed my make-up brush down and hurried down the stairs, pulling my sweatshirt on at the same time. Jonah was already downstairs, sitting on the arm of the couch and holding both of our book bags.

"Careful." My mom pointed out.

"Whatever." I responded and took my bag from my brother. I ducked my head as I passed her out the door. She had seen my mouth; she had been in the room when Jonah flipped out about her eating all the leftovers. Sometimes I wished he would just hit her, then maybe it she would have to admit that he had something wrong.

Jonah didn't talk to me on the way to school. He hadn't talked to me all weekend. My mom hadn't grounded him, she hadn't even reprimanded him. She told me that I shouldn't have provoked him. Somehow it was my fault that I had a bruise on my mouth and jaw that hurt so much I couldn't chew. My bottom lip was spilt on the right side but my mom acted like I had punched myself in the mouth.

"Stop!" I called, pulling my bag off the floor of the car. "Mom, stop here."

"School's another block." My mom answered though she had slowed down considerably. Happy to get me out of the car I suppose.

"I'm going to walk the rest of the way with Anya." I replied, sending my mother a look. She seriously needed to stop the car.

She shrugged and pulled over. I got out and slammed the door behind me, not bothering to say goodbye to her or Jonah. I would talk to him today when I got home from school, when my mom wasn't home with us. The only thing she did differently after one of Jonah's outbursts was to stay home. She had spent the whole weekend cooped in the house with us like she was some sort of parole officer.

Anya stopped when she saw me get out of the car, waiting for me to come over before we could start walking again. I wondered where Holly J was. Even Friday during cheerleading practice Holly J had only been a few feet from Anya.

"Hey, is that your mom?" Anya asked, looking passed me and waving at my mom as she drove off down the road.

"Uh yeah, she was giving me a ride to school." I shrugged and walked ahead a little, scuffing my converse on the pavement and trying to kick any nearby stones.

Anya was overtly preppy, even her personality was painfully cheerful and optimistic. I had tried before to be friends with people like her, I had weaseled my way in and nearly suffocated myself in their personalities. I felt myself doing it again too, latching onto something that seemed normal and easy. All I had to do was smile and play along and throw some pom-poms around and I could fit in. I could stand in the background and blend in with everyone else and I didn't have to think about what to say or wear or do because it was being thought of for me.

I wanted to be one of those "I speak for myself" and "no one can push me around" teenagers that everyone always admires or talks about. But that kind of confidence took years of building up or at least it took gall that I didn't have in me anymore. I tried to be different already, to not care about other kids and what they thought. Teenagers never just think though, I can always hear them behind me, the moment I can't see them they talk in whispers about me. I don't have a strong spine or thick skin, words don't roll off me like water. I can feel them, sitting there behind my ears, whispering about what a loser I was.

I didn't want to be a loser anymore. I didn't want to be one of those "on the fringe of society" kinds of kids that still believed in tie-dye and talked about Catcher In The Rye like it was there religion. I didn't even want to be associated with those kids. Or kids like Johnny I guess. A whole different fringe on society's shirt. The so-called misunderstood youth of the world. Whether it was their brand of Sex, Drugs & Rock'n'Roll or a bunch of Hippies doing it in the back of a van I didn't want any part of it. It was too dangerous, it required me to actually be myself sometimes, or closer to myself than I had to worry about being with Holly J and Anya.

Holly J was stepping out of a highly expensive black SUV when she looked over and waved at us. She was wearing clothing similar to Anya's, her hair pulled back tightly in a ponytail. I reached my hand up to my own straightened hair and itched at my scalp, my hair felt greasy beneath my fingertips and I realized I had forgotten to shower last night.

"-get your clothes?" I picked up the end of Holly J's sentence and realized she was looking at me as we walked inside.

"What?" I asked, pushing my glasses up my nose better, they slipped constantly.

"Where do you get your clothes? They look sort of ill-fitting and incredibly unflattering." Holly J remarked, flicking her wrist in a gesture toward my green pullover hoodie and my jeans.

"Uh, I don't have many clothes right now. I lost some weight last year and never bought new clothes. Anyway, I usually buy my clothes at Goodwill." I replied and shrugged. I never really thought about it.

I had spent a lot of time last year in sweatpants and tank tops, hospital gowns and pajamas. I didn't have to worry about what people thought of my clothing because everyone I saw was an adult and they were only interested in my recovery.

"Oh no darling. The Goodwill simply won't do. We'll need to take you shopping, how about after school?" Holly J asked.

"I don't really…I need to get a job." I responded.

"How tragic." Holly J commented and Anya looked at me sympathetically.

When I was at my locker I pulled my sweatshirt off, a tighter black and white striped tank top underneath. I stuffed my sweatshirt in my locker and tugged my shirt, trying to decide how to make myself look more presentable. It was cold in the school, even with all these people rushing to and from classes, creating body heat. There wasn't much I could do to my jeans, at least they weren't too baggy.

As always English was first and today I didn't talk to Johnny when I walked into class. I sat down at my desk and placed my books on the surface. I knew what Holly J was trying to say earlier. I dressed like a boy, hell I took care of myself like a boy. I didn't bother with makeup most days, exceptions being days like this, and I didn't shave my legs unless I knew I was going to wear shorts.

I treated myself without any sort of care or respect. There was nothing about me to notice except that I looked like some greasy homeless kid begging on the side streets. No one would take me seriously and if it hadn't been for the tiny effort I had put out on my first day here Holly J would have never bothered with me.

I didn't have any money for clothing. I didn't have money for anything. I needed some sort of part-time job if I wanted to make money that I didn't need to beg my mom for. Then I could go shopping with Holly J. I could dress like an acceptable lesser version of her, which is exactly why she brought up my wardrobe in the first place. But maybe dressing like her wouldn't be horrible, I wouldn't have to think about what sort of things I wanted or liked. It would be so easy.

"You don't know anywhere that's hiring do you?" I asked, grabbing my books out of my locker after English.

"No. I wouldn't dream of getting a job and having to tend to these classless idiots." Holly J replied, glancing around and rolling her eyes.

"Maybe I'll go to the mall after school with you, scout out some store openings." I replied and laughed at the look on her face.

"Hey what happened to your lip?" Holly J asked, looking over at me, "I just noticed it."

"My lips were chapped and I was biting on it, sort of split apart. No big deal." I shrugged and followed her into History class. Perino was standing there with some sort of African mask in his hands. The man owns more artifacts then the Smithsonian in the US.

Holly J and I sat toward the front of the classroom, around the middle. Anya wasn't in class with us and frankly I was a little happy about that. Every time I tried to have a conversation with Holly J she always had to butt in and give her opinion. Maybe I was suffering from some '_oh my god it's only been a week and we're already besties, I want Holly J all to myself_' syndrome that I was going through. It wouldn't have surprised me, I've been clingy in the past and I'm sure that's only increased with events.

"Alright class, today we're going to be working on developing a powerpoint production based on your city of choice. Each of you will be choosing one of these," He pointed to the chalkboard with a list of names, "cities in Africa as your topic. I'll go around the room, there are enough cities for each of you and no two people are permitted to have the same city." He announced, placing the mask down for a moment on his desk and picking up the piece of chalk. I assume he'll write our name beside our city.

"Miss Sinclair?" He called, looking over at her. Her desk was the front of the middle row.

"The city of Johannesburg in South Africa." Holly J answered immediately.

"Good, Miss Derring?" He asked, scribbling a Sinclair on the board.

"The city of Capetown in South Africa." I replied, staring at the board.

"Yes because heaven forbid you girls aren't joined at the hip for everything." He remarked in a sort of high-pitched voice. He hovered his hand over my city before finally talking again, "How about we shake things up, pick a different city Miss Derring."

"Why?" He was kidding right? That was so stupid. So what if Capetown and Johannesburg were close together.

"So that this will be an independent study. It might be a good change for the both of you. So pick again Miss Derring or I will pick for you." He answered, standing there staring us down like we were harden criminals or something.

"The city of Freetown in Sierra Leone." I shrugged, it was easy to pronounce plus it was a capital city.

"Thank you." He scribbled my name on the board and I glared at his back. I had only been here a week and he was already giving me flack about what project I should be working on.

"That's so stupid." Holly J muttered, leaning back in her chair.

"Tell me about it." I replied, leaning as far forward as I could so he wouldn't hear us.

He spent the rest of class choosing cities and discussing the requirements of our powerpoint. We learning about African colonies and countries in World History right now and he expected a whole _then and now_ presentation on the growth and development of the city we chose. The worst thing about Perino is his tendency to skip handouts and inform us that if we didn't listen and write everything down it was our fault when we failed.

Public school was supposed to be easy, not stressful. I wasn't supposed to wish I could go back to the hospital and sit in a room with a tutor and work on my homework by myself. I was supposed to be excited about school and getting to make friends and hang out between classes. But people like Perino are only happy when we're stressed out and screaming.

"Can you believe him?" Holly J remarked as we left the classroom.

"I know, that's so absolutely stupid…'oh you can't do similar projects because you might work together'. That doesn't even make sense." I replied.

Holly J stopped by her locker to throw her stuff in and grabbed her lunch tote. Anya was there a moment later holding her lunch tote in her hands and smiling at us. Immediately Holly J began a retelling of how she and I had been given a hard time by Perino for choosing cities close together. I could hear Anya complaining about him as we entered the crowded lunchroom.

The lunchroom was filled noises and I felt like my head was going to explode. Usually we didn't eat in the cafeteria but Holly J wanted to sit with the rest of the Spirit Squad today so we were weaving through students to find their table.

My whole skull felt like it was going to split open from the noise, an instant migraine traveling up my neck to the back of my head. I hadn't needed to see the nurse at all last week, even with the cheerleading stretches on my leg. But my head was more sensitive; everything and anything bothered it. The wrong lighting, loud noise, stress, even reading a book sent me reeling every once and a while.

"I gotta go to the nurse." I stated, putting my tray down at the end of the table and leaning against it for a moment. I was bracing myself so I wouldn't fall over.

"Are you okay?" Anya asked and I could feel her hand on my back.

"Major headache, nothing some Tylenol won't cure." I tried to smile before hurrying out of the room and into the hallway.

There were still kids out there and the noise of the cafeteria followed me out the doors, ringing in my ears as I walked. The hallways felt like this everyday but it was a short break between classes. I couldn't handle 45 minutes of continuous noise like that.

I headed straight for the nurse's office, hoping that maybe she would let me lay down for a little while at least. Sleeping always feels the best because I can't feel anything when I sleep.

"Can I help you?" She was really happy looking. Like, really really happy looking. As if seeing sick children all day long just made her the perkiest person in the world.

"I have a migraine." I replied.

I love school nurses who believe that kids only ever lie to them. She looked at me like I was trying to pull one over on her and nodded her head. "Of course you do sweetheart. What's your name?"

Was she afraid I was going to OD on Tylenol? "Scout Derring." I replied and sat down in one of the chairs in front of her desk. Hell if I was going to stand the entire time.

"Okay, uh…" She mumbled words under her breath as she typed into her computer. "One moment." I watched her get up and go around the corner near the bathroom and the sick room. There was a cabinet there that had a padlock on it and was used for special medications.

A moment later she was back with a paper cup and one white pill in her hands for me. I took the medication from her and took a sip of the water, swallowing my medicine and tossing the cup.

"You can leave when the bell rings." She stayed, letting me go to the sick room to lie down on the bed. I was sort of glad; I had wanted to lay down anyway.

The moment I laid down I sighed, I had left my bag in the cafeteria. I had dropped it down my shoulder when I set my tray on the table and then walked away without it. Hopefully Anya or Holly J would remember to bring it with them to math after this. I reached my hand up to touch my lip, it hurt and I had planned on fixing my cover-up before class, I guess if I didn't eat the makeup wouldn't be affected.

The sick room was quiet. The only thing I had on me was my cellphone in my back pocket. I could hear the nurse talking to someone on the phone, probably a direct line to the office informing them that I had come in sick and she had to go in the restricted cabinet. Maybe they had to keep track so no one was suspected of popping pills when the principal wasn't looking.

I pulled my phone out, knowing I should take a 45-minute nap right now instead. My mom would probably be at work right now but hopefully she had her phone on her.

'_Heyy mom, just texting to let you know that I had a headache and had to come to the nurse's office. In here now laying down before lunch is over, she gave me my medication…didn't know you dropped it off. Text me when you get this.' _

My phone was on silent, even when she did text back I wouldn't know but I assumed it would be better to let her know before the school called to tell her, if they did that sort of thing.

I must have fallen asleep after that because the nurse woke me and told me lunch was over and I could head to my next class. She wrote me a slip so that I could get in class late without getting in trouble and avoid the crowded hallways. I stopped by my locker and grabbed my math text and notebook before heading into class, interrupting the teacher mid-example and handing them the nurse's pass.

"Hey, are you alright? I brought your bag." Anya whispered, shifting my bag so it was leaning against my desk and not hers.

"Yeah fine. Thank you." I muttered and opened my notebook, scribbling down the notes the teacher had written so far.

Trying to pay attention in class after a raging headache and a strong dose of medication is definitely not something I'm accustomed with. I've always done fairly well in school, my grades dropping at obvious and appropriate times-my father's death, my friend Matt passing away. After that I was in the hospital and I had a private tutor who came in from my school to help me learn whatever I had missed and was missing.

Focusing got easier as the day went on, sitting behind or in front of Holly J and listening to her snide comments whenever she was unhappy with what the teacher was saying. I sat in Johnny's seat in health class and noticed that someone had scribbled out our previous comments. I just smiled to myself and covered the wood carving with my health textbook.

"Are you guys busy this weekend?" Anya asked as we walked our the front doors.

"Nope why?" I looked over at her, Holly J didn't answer but looked over also, I'm assuming she was free.

"I was thinking we could have a girls weekend!" Anya smiled widely and looked between us.

"At your house? Anya your room is like the size of a closet. And not even a good closet." Holly J remarked and raised her eyebrow.

"Sounds fine to me. I'm not claustrophobic." I replied and nudged Anya a little. She smiled at me, getting the joke.

"I never said I wasn't coming." Holly J replied quickly and shot both of us a look.

We were waiting at the bus stop across the street, our trip to the mall awaiting us. Holly J had wanted to call a cab to take us but neither Anya nor I had money enough to afford a cab and she wouldn't pay for us both. She stood with her arms crossed under her chest, clearly demonstrating her disgust in public transportation when I noticed a familiar SUV pull up.

"Isn't that your mom Sid?" Anya asked, pointing to the car I was already looking at.

"Yeah, hold on, I'll be right back."

"No wait, see if she'll drive us!" Holly J called after me.

"Mom!" I banged on her window to catch her attention.

"My god! Scout don't scare me like that!" She remarked and held her heart. I rolled my eyes; she was so dramatic it was stupid.

"Whatever, what are you doing here and can you give Anya, Holly J and I a lift to the mall?" I asked.

"I'm here to pick you up. I got a call from your principal, not to mention a text from you. Why didn't you just call, I would have come and picked you up." She replied.

"I'm fine mom. No harm see." I knocked on my head for emphasis, but I'm sure it just made me look like a dumbass in front of everyone.

"Scout."

"Mom, just drive me to the mall please." I asked, crossing my arms.

"Fine." She remarked. "But I want to talk about this when you come home."

"Sure whatever," I turned away from her and waved Holly J and Anya over.

"Thanks Mrs. Derring." Anya remarked as she and Holly J got in the back seat. I walked around and climbed in the passenger side door.

"Your welcome, and you can just call me Kelly." She smiled at them and I rolled my eyes, slumping in my seat.

I sighed as we pulled out and grabbed my compact out of my bag, checking my covered bruise while Holly J and Anya discussed what stores we were stopping in. Noting that it was fine and barely visible I slide the compact back in my bag and turned in my seat to continue the conversation with them.

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	5. Give Me Novacaine

**Okay so I am totally embarrassed by this chapter! Ah, I don't know what happened when I was writing...it just came out this way and i'm sorry. I just don't feel like this is up-to-par with my other chapters. But...it is what it is. **

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><p>Mia was right. And everyone else could probably see right through me too. I was just some punk-ass little kid coming into their school and latching onto the first thing that seemed like it would tolerate me.<p>

I didn't even feel like myself in the clothes I was wearing to school. A day dress that I had borrowed from Holly J's closet that was a little loose on me. She had tied a skinny belt around my waist for emphasis on something I wasn't sure I wanted emphasized. The nearly see-through black stockings itched my legs but the dress was three inches shorter on me than it was on Holly J, so the stockings were necessary. At least I still had my own boots on.

"Nice dress Derring."

I turned around, shouldering my bag, and glaring at Johnny and Bruce standing behind me.

"I know. I'd return the compliment but…there isn't anything to compliment." I remarked, swishing my hand at them to make them move. I sounded like a bitch I know, but I really didn't care. Holly J would have never spoken to either of them.

"Ouch, Sid's got a bite." Johnny stated, grinning at before barring his teeth and pretending to bite at me.

"Shut up." I grinned, I couldn't help it.

"So what's with the new clothes anyway?" Bruce asked, pulling on the hem of dress as I tried to walk passed them.

"Get off!" I swatted Bruce's hand away from me and straightened my dress out, "Can you not lift my dress up like I'm some sort of mannequin?" I replied.

"Trust me, I don't think you're a mannequin." Johnny answered.

"Both of you are gross." I replied and finally succeed in shoving fully passed them.

I headed down the hall, feeling awkward and ridiculous. Wasn't dressing well supposed to make a person feel beautiful? I felt itchy and ugly, the way I imagine a boy feels when his older sister dresses him in make-up and girls' clothes. I could hear clunking, heavy footsteps behind me, pounding the linoleum floor as they caught up to me. His hand felt nice on my elbow, cool and smooth with just a slight amount of pressure.

"Hey, you looked good before you know?" Johnny stated, his hand dropping from my elbow. I missed it.

"I didn't really look like a girl though." I kept my eyes forward, walking with him a step behind me, in place of my shadow. I wanted to run down the hall away from him.

"I think it's hard to make you _not_ look like a girl."

I stopped short, sticking my elbow out and smiling when it jabbed him in the stomach. I heard a soft groan emit from his mouth and I turned to glare at him. Was it impossible for him or Bruce to offer a compliment that didn't sound like it could be taken in an inappropriate way? I suppose that was a stupid question to ask.

"I have to meet with Ms. Sauve."

"Wait, Sid…how's your lip?" Johnny asked quickly, before I could get away from him. School was over and I just wanted to get to my meeting so it could be over with.

"What?" I swear I finally mastered the art of spinning on my heal, and I gave myself a whiplash.

"I saw the cut on your lip on Monday…besides I saw you outside your house yesterday…pretty nasty bruise." Johnny replied like he was just making small talk.

"Are you stalking me DiMarco?" I asked, crossing my arms under my chest. The leather of the belt felt sticky against my arms but I kept them there anyway.

"Don't flatter yourself. I was heading to the ravine." He replied

"My bruises aren't your business…I can take care of myself."

"Sounds familiar." He smirked and I glared at him. _I _could take care of myself. But it was my _brother_. My little kid brother that I was supposed to take care of, and watch out for. It didn't even make sense in my head.

"Well I don't get in stupid fights with guys that are tougher than me." I responded.

My mom always remarked that I didn't cry. I guess what she meant was that I didn't cry at the right times. I didn't cry when people died, or I left my friends or I was stuck in the hospital. I didn't get emotional when I was talking about someone who passed away or something that happened to me in the past. But every time I tried to speak, to open my mouth and argue with someone when they made me angry I could feel myself starting to cry. I couldn't get in a fight with someone without feeling the quiver of a lip and choking on my words to hold the tears in. I didn't want to cry, it was stupid to cry about an argument anyway.

I could sit through my dad's funeral with a solemn face but the moment Johnny pisses me off I starting crying right in front of him.

"I could have beaten him up if I wanted to." He answered and I untangled my arms to wipe at my eyes because suddenly he was inches away and I didn't want him to see the collection of liquid in my tear ducts.

"I doubt it." I muttered. If my voice was lower, like a whisper, maybe he couldn't tell.

"John DiMarco, I believe you have detention with me." Mrs. Hatzilakos' voice came from behind us and Johnny stepped away from me and turned around.

"I was on my way there." He stated easily.

"Please stop harassing the other students. Are you alright Sid?" She asked, looking at me with concern.

"Fine, we were just talking."

Mrs. Hatzilakos nodded her head and pointed Johnny in the direction of her office, the two of them walking down the hallway. I could hear her voice faintly reprimanding him for wasting time standing around the hallway, now there would be extra detention time added to him schedule.

Ms. Sauve was already waiting for me when I got to her office. The door was wide open and she was standing there, glancing at her wristwatch when I came in.

"Close the door behind you." She gestured and I did, turning and shutting the wooden door. Mrs. Hatzilakos' office was on the other side of the wall, I wondered what her and Johnny were discussing.

"Have you ever seen a counselor before Sid?" She asked as I sat down and she down across from me.

I could feel the smartass remark to her question on the tip of my tongue but I swallowed and nodded my head. "I saw a psychiatrist once a day during my…when I was in rehab."

"Okay, well a psychiatrist is a little different but I do want you to know that anything you tell me here is in complete confidence. I won't even tell the principal if you want. Of course, if something you say seems threatening to yourself or others I will have to alert someone." She stated, I guess this is my warning before the actual session begins.

"Alright." I shrugged. I wasn't sure what else to do. I couldn't promise I was going to be happy and work through my problems with her. I was in high school still…any problems I have now are going to follow me for two more years. I couldn't run that far.

"Well…am I supposed to like, break down in tears and admit to being a complete failure of a 15 year old? Or do you just prompt me with questions until we get there?" I asked, pulling my legs up to sit Indian style on the seat. That was probably horrible racist of me to consider it Indian style. My brother's old 5th grade teacher told him it was crisscross-apple-sauce whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.

"Do you think you've failed in some way?"

"Not really…I guess just that I've had like, one mess after the other. Like let a girl get used to the shit life's handing me before I get anymore thrown at me." I replied.

"It can feel that way sometimes." Ms. Sauve seemed bothered by my language, which sort of surprises me, considering she's a guidance counselor.

"Why don't we talk about Monday? You got sick during lunch?" She asked.

"Not like…sick sick. I had a headache." I replied and shrugged. Was she just going to ask me dumb questions?

"Sid I really do want to help you get accustomed to the school but you're going to have to be willing to let me help. You need to learn to work through your problems verbally instead of letting everything bottle itself up." Ms. Sauve stated. I didn't need a shrink.

"Isn't there just something I can do to focus all my other energy on? I mean like, I come to school and I'm focused and I don't have to think about anything but schoolwork, and lunch with Holly J and more schoolwork. And then I go home and I have homework or making dinner but then I'm just sitting there and thinking and thinking and I can't stop thinking." I replied. "I want something after school that makes me not think about everything so much."

"Have you considered getting a job?"

"I applied for a clothing store in the mall." I replied.

"How about a work-study program?" Ms. Sauve asked, "I don't want you to think that pushing your feelings away is going to solve everything but work-study programs may help you feel more secure in your role as a student at Degrassi."

My role as a student at Degrassi? This isn't a fucking soap opera. God, she made it sound like I was some Greek tragedy, just waiting to explode from sorrow.

"Yeah. Like that." I rolled my eyes at her.

"I'll see what I can do." She nodded her head at me approvingly.

It was worse talking to her then trying to hold back tears in front of Johnny. I just wanted to get out of her office. I regretted telling Mrs. Hatzilakos that I needed to talk to anyone. I just needed to get the hell out of here.

"Can I go?" I asked, putting my feet down on the ground.

"The session isn't over yet." Ms. Sauve stated glancing at her wristwatch. She was kidding right? How long did these god awful sessions last.

"I have nothing else to say." I replied and crossed my arms. I was trying to stare her down. I probably looked pathetic.

"I suppose you can go…but Sid," She stood up with me and reached around to her desk. "Here is my number, if you ever need anything outside of school hours." She handed me a small white card with her name and number written on it.

"Thanks." I nodded and walked out, leaving the door opened behind me.

Teachers and counselors always say to call them if something comes up. If something happens to me I should immediately let them know. I can imagine it, if I had been laying in the hospital and said 'here, call my guidance counselor first'. Not that I could've told them my first name when I was admitted to the hospital.

I put the paper in my bag anyway, it seemed like a relatively good idea to hold onto the card incase I really did need something that I couldn't ask my mom about. Which meant everything a majority of the time. She had her own shit to handle. My dad used to tell her that it was having strangers living in a house together, she was never interested in us unless it would make her look good. She worried about my health because it made her seem like a good mother, she drove me to school because that's what other mom's did.

"Why are you sitting outside the school?"

Bruce and two other guys who were unattractive and scared with acne more than bruises turned to look at me. The one, who looked awfully scrawny to be hanging around Bruce and Johnny, briefly offered me a once over that made me want to run back into the girls' bathroom and vomit.

"Hey Sid? You get detention too?" Bruce grinned at me and I realized it then. They were all waiting for Johnny. Because heaven-forbid he have to walk himself home.

"I don't…_get_ detention." I answered. It was true. I had never gotten a detention before. Come to think of it, I had never even missed a day of school except when I was in the hospital in ninth grade. I had gone even when I was sick, insisting that I had to keep up my grades. That was back when my mom was so outwardly proud of me.

"Aw come on Sid, I thought you were more badass then that!" Bruce laughed and the other two laughed with him…though I'm certain I've never even seen them in the halls.

"Shut up Bruce." I muttered and walked passed them.

"Your girlfriend's got a nice set a legs Bruce, wouldn't mind getting between them."

I literally wanted to vomit on whichever one of those assholes just spoke. The other one wolf-whistled as if I would come crawling back and beg them to fuck me. They were disgusting…I could feel my skin crawling.

"Yo, shut the fuck up and don't talk about Sid that way."

I turned around to see Johnny had come outside and he had a very unpleasant look on his face. He was standing near the scrawny one, who looked like they were about to pee their pants they were so freaked.

Bruce and the other guy walked away, Bruce saying something about the other guy getting his ass kicked later for saying something to me. The scrawny one ran to catch up once he realized that Johnny wasn't going to murder him right there on the concrete.

"Thanks. I guess." I added the 'I guess' so he wouldn't think I was too grateful. I could have handled it myself. I guess.

"Just don't want them messing with you." Johnny replied, "Your too much of a lady for that. Besides, I imagine you're a pain in the ass as a date."

"Could you be nice for two seconds without turning everything into a insult?"

"It's way too fun insulting you." Johnny answered and grinned at me. He didn't really smirk much, just grinned.

"I thought you didn't want people messing with me?" My hands went to my hips. My typical cocky reply gesture.

"Yeah. Other people." He responded and walked away to catch up with Bruce and them.

I'm not entirely sure how long I stood there but when I got home my mom had already stuck the leftovers in the fridge with my name on the tinfoil covering. Cause they can never just wait.

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	6. We Are The Waiting

**Okay, the first two parts of this chapter were so hard for me to write...it's been really busy at my house this week...and it will be next week too. Anyway...I'm really proud of the third part of the chapter, where Anya and Sid are talking about Lakehurst. I always hated that no one ever spoke for Lakehurst's side but Damien...I hated him.**

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><p>"Okay so," Pause for dramatic effect, "I bought popcorn, diet soda, three flavors of ice cream, twizzlers, and I'm ordering pizza and fries." Anya stated as we walked into school together.<p>

Tonight was considered part one of the three-part stay at Anya's house. My mom had nearly 'flipped her lid' when I told her about it on Thursday night. Because according to her it was '_just too soon'_ for me to be going out on the weekends. The actual problem, and I could see it from a mile away, was that my mom didn't want me out of the house. She was afraid of being home with Jonah for a whole weekend. He wouldn't touch her. She didn't have to be afraid of a little boy who couldn't control his temper.

"Are we trying to gain weight or watch movies?" Holly J commented, "I don't think you need anything else on those hips Anya."

"I don't know what you're talking about Holly J, at least we can see our feet in the morning." I brushed passed her and headed to my locker.

"Touché." Holly J commented behind me. "The food sounds good Anya."

Anya, who had been silent the entire time, smiled finally, "Thanks. I figured it's not a true movie weekend without movie food."

"Agreed." I nodded my head. Movie food was my favorite.

"Anyway…I heard the most god awful rumor ever yesterday." Holly J stated, slamming her locker door shut and walking toward English. We all had English first period, though they had English with 10th graders like they were supposed to.

"What?" Anya grinned, she was either happy to be off the topic of her thighs or eager to know everything Holly J knew.

"That you," She looked at me like I had just announced that I was actually the Anti-Christ, "were hanging out with Johnny and Bruce."

"I wasn't hanging out with them." I rolled my eyes, I nearly forgot she hated them, "They were bothering me while I was at my locker. Like I'd actually waste time hanging out with those idiots."

It wasn't true so I'm not sure why I said it. I mean, obviously I've lied before, I'm 15 years old. But I didn't usually lie to my friends. I knew though, if I told Holly J about liking Johnny she'd be completely pissed. She hated those two and anyone else who happened to hang out with them. She treated them like they were too stupid for her to even bother socializing with. Holly J could be a bitch to the typical high school population but she was especially nasty when it came to that group.

So, I lied. Holly J was my friend. I wanted to keep it that way. And I suppose she was satisfied with my answer because she walked into English class with a proud smile on her face. Anya hung back for a moment, a sort of worried look on her face.

"I was wondering, today at lunch…could we talk?" Anya asked, smiling nervously at me and brushing her bangs away from her face.

"Uh, yeah I guess so." I nodded.

"Don't tell Holly J." She replied and hurried into class.

I didn't know what was up with Anya but it was definitely bugging me. First of all, why on earth did she think that I wanted to talk to her? Anya was nice, and on two occasions I had backed her when Holly J's claws came out. But that was it; we weren't friends. Not to me at least. I was friends with Holly J and she was friends with Holly J. The more I thought about it the more I realized Holly J was becoming the center of my high school universe.

That wasn't my intention. Maybe I should talk to Anya at lunch, get to know her a bit better and stop obsessing over my friendship with Holly J so much. Was I like this with Matt? I couldn't even remember parts of our time together, as if it had been years earlier.

I don't remember anything that Ms. Kwan talked about in English class…I was fully occupied with whatever Anya thought we were friends enough to discuss. Besides I was working as hard as I could to ignore Johnny completely. He probably thought I was bipolar the way I acted toward him. One minute I was flirting away and the next I was avoiding him like he was a disease.

When lunch finally came I saw Anya sitting outside the cafeteria, her bookbag beside her and her eyes on her watch. I was sure lunch had only just started but she seemed like she had been waiting ages. When I got close enough she looked up at me and smiled anxiously, her braces showing.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I asked.

"Uh, come here." Anya grabbed her bag and took my hand, leading me away from the cafeteria and around the corner into an empty part of the hallway.

"okay…" I looked at her curiously. If she kissed me or something I was transferring again.

"Have you talked to Mia anymore?" Anya asked, fixing her bag on her shoulder.

"No." I shook my head.

"Well…doesn't it bother you that Holly J is always putting us down?" You mean putting you down Anya. But then she had made fun of my clothes.

"Not really." I replied.

"But she always has something negative to say and she is always telling us what to do?" Anya replied.

"Obviously you've been spending way too much time talking to Mamma Mia. Maybe once she gets her life together and stops trying to pretend she can handle school and a little demon she can judge you. For now, I'd tune her out. Holly J is a cool person, she's your friend. End of story." I replied.

"You sound just like Holly J! Immediately saying something mean about someone the minute they tell you something honestly." Anya stated, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I don't need a reason to be mean to someone. And if Mia has a problem with the way Holly J acts then she should take it up with her. Holly J has been nice to me since I came here." I argued. I was pissed at Mia.

"I guess you're right…I just. I don't know, Mia was talking to me today about it and it just got me confused." Anya replied.

"Well listen, tonight we're headed to your house for the weekend. The three of us, the best chick-flicks the world has ever watched and enough calories to last us 25 years." I stated and wrapped my arm around Anya's shoulder.

"Sounds good to me!" Anya grinned and gave me a sort of a hug. I really hated hugging but I let her just because she had been so stressed out about Holly J and me attacking her for it probably didn't help the situation.

Neither of us said a word to Holly J about Mia. I wanted Anya to feel like she could talk to me without me immediately rushing to Holly J. I guess I wanted to earn her trust. She was a nice person, even if I was only friends with her because she was friends with Holly J. I mean, that's why she was friends with me too.

**SID*****SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID**

After school let out we went straight to Anya's. I had packed clothes for the weekend in an overnight bag and left it in my locker during the day. The less I had to see of my mom this weekend the better. Holly J and I were at Anya's now, sitting on the floor of her bedroom with her, a pizza box open in the middle of our small circle.

"So what color is your hair?" Anya asked, reaching for another slice of pizza.

"Uh…like blond, kinda." I shrugged. I had started dyeing it when I was 12. Now it was a mix of blond, red, orange and yellow. A lady in Montreal's handiwork.

"You should just let it fade out to blond. You'd look more normal with blond hair. It's too, out there the way it is now." Holly J remarked, looking at the topknot of tangled hair that was sitting on my head.

"I always wanted to die my hair." Anya smiled, obviously more open to difference than Holly J.

"You should die it like, dark brown…you'd look pretty with really dark hair." I took another slice of pizza from the box.

"I'm keeping my hair exactly the way it is." Holly J stated, getting up and going to Anya's dresser. She had set up drinks and snacks on her dresser and desktop so that we wouldn't get food on the carpet. There was even a towel under the pizza box.

"Well your hair is so pretty anyway." Anya stated, looking over to Holly J as she came back with a can of soda.

"Okay, enough hair talk…movie time!" I laughed and fell onto my back.

Anya hopped up immediately and grabbed the stack of movies that was laying toppled over on her bed. I didn't see which one she grabbed first but I was looking forward to the marathon we had planned. I never hung out with a lot of people. Even before it had just been Matt and I, there were never large groups of us that hung out together. It was nice to sit here in Anya's room, watching movies together and laughing.

**SID*****SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID**

Holly J had fallen asleep a while ago but I couldn't make myself follow suit. Anya was up, I had heard her leave the room and go downstairs nearly 10 minutes ago. I decided I was better off going down and seeing what she was up to then laying here with Holly J snoring next to me. Anya was sitting on her living room couch with a bowl of cereal, watching infomercials. She looked up when I came down the stairs.

"Hey, do you want some cereal?" Anya asked, holding her bowl up.

"I'm good, what are they selling?" I asked, sitting next to her on the couch.

"Some sort of mini-blender." Anya laughed, "Supposedly it transforms your food eating experiences."

"Oh well then I definitely need it." I smiled and pulled my feet up onto the couch.

We sat there watching infomercials in silence, Anya eating her cereal and me chewing at my fingertips. I was watching a ridiculous man claiming that one-teaspoon of detergent could clean everything a person owned in a matter of seconds. I used to watch infomercials on the weekends I spent with my dad when we lived in Montreal.

"So, what's up with you and Johnny? I mean, it's not the first time Chantay has mentioned seeing you two chatting." Anya stated finally. It seemed like a strange way to start a conversation in the middle of the night.

"Chantey? God, she needs to mind her own business." I muttered.

"But seriously?" Anya looked over and wriggled her eyebrows.

I laughed and swatted my hand at her upper arm. "Nothings going on. We just mess around with each other. I don't even know anything about him."

Anya nodded her head. "I guess I kinda know what you mean. Don't tell anyone but you know Sav Bhandari?"

"Not really." I shrugged. I had seen the kid around, he was in a lot of my classes. Holly J had pointed him out to me.

"Well, I really like him. I know Holly j thinks he's lame and all but I really think he's cute, and nice and kinda hot. But I haven't said a word to her about it." Anya stated. She laid her cereal bowl on the coffee table in front of her.

"My lips are sealed," I stated, stifling a yawn and getting up off the couch. "I'm heading back upstairs, finally feeling tired."

"Yeah, I'll wash my dish out and head back up. I guess I just needed a midnight snack."

"My favorite kind, my brother and I used to sneak out of our dad's house on the weekends when I lived in Montreal. There was a 24-hour convenience store around the corner and we would always buy tons of sugary candy and eat it while we walked around the block." I laughed, walking with her into the kitchen and leaning on the counter.

Anya laughed at the idea of it. "There's a convenience store around here but it's too far away for walking. Did your dad ever catch you guys?" She asked.

"If he ever knew we were sneaking out he never let up on it." I answered.

"My mom would have a bird if she found out that I was sneaking outside at midnight." Anya replied and headed for the stairs with me close behind.

"We've never told my mom, she's the same way. She'd ground us for the rest of our lives if she found out we were doing that." I answered. It was true, my mom would literally kill me if she knew I was risking my safety walking around Montreal at midnight.

Anya and I headed back into her room and climbed into our respective sleeping bags. Holly J had somehow managed to snap up the bed, informing us that although we were supposed to spend the whole weekend together she had to have a brunch with her parents and sister tomorrow morning. I promised Anya I'd stay the whole weekend. I didn't have any brunches to go to.

**SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID*SID**

"Wow, they fenced the whole thing up finally." Anya stated as we stood on the side of a large fence.

Through the rings of the fence I could see the demolished remains of a burned down school. Rumor had it that the kids at Lakehurst had burned it themselves. I think the kids at Degrassi just wanted something to blame, someone to hate for everything that had happened to them. It was as if the whole school had come up and stabbed that kid from behind. Like it wasn't just one person, standing in the dark. That's what Holly J said happened. They had been kicked out of a party, Johnny and his friend, and they had seen JT or something. The other kid, Johnny's friend, had stabbed that JT kid in the back.

But Lakehurst wasn't the problem. Lakehurst kids were the same as Degrassi kids. There were cheerleaders and jocks, smart kids and total rejects. That guy from Degrassi, the one who gave Johnny a black eye, he wasn't so different from Johnny and Bruce. I'm sure he thought he was cooler, tougher and smarter. I had seen him in the hall with that girl Anya said was from Lakehurst. So who was the hypocrite then? If Lakehurst was so bad why was he picking up their girls.

"It's just…in ruins." I muttered, threading my fingers through the rings and pulling my body closer.

"I know. It's so crazy. And every one at Degrassi hates us because Drake stabbed that kid JT. But, I mean…I didn't even know who Drake was until I saw it on the news. I was like…oh my god, that guy sat beside me in homeroom everyday. How insane is that? But then we moved to Degrassi and kids there won't even talk to us. But I didn't stab JT…I didn't even like Drake." Anya stated.

"They just need someone to hate." I muttered.

"Well then they can hate Drake. I mean, he's in jail…what more do they want? Hating us isn't going to change anything for them. And honestly, Johnny and his gang just say stupid stuff to piss them off because they're just as mad. I would be too, getting the blame for something you had no idea was going to happen." She seemed upset. It was most emotion I had seen from Anya since I met her. Usually she was just happy and sort of nervous…but now she was visibly upset.

"I agree. Maybe over time, when they graduate…someday no one going to that school will even remember that JT kid. They'll forget Lakehurst and Degrassi were fighting and it will be like you've always gone there. But for now I think they'll just be angry and everyone from Lakehurst will only be angrier. Being mad at each other doesn't solve anything." I replied.

"Don't I know it." Anya sighed.

"My dad always used to come and go as he pleased. Like, one week he'd want a family and then he'd get in a fight with my mom and leave for a while. I was angry at my mom all the time because my dad didn't feel like acting like a dad. It wasn't her fault but she was always there, so I always just blamed her. It was easier than being mad at my dad because I knew my mom would always stick around…but I couldn't see him all the time. Those kids at Degrassi…they can't see Drake. They can't hear him or feel him or see him. All they see is all these other kids, kids that knew him and went to school with him and they're pissed because 'why didn't anyone ever realize what he was capable of'…it's easier to blame the thing that's in front of you then to fight something you can't see." It's what my therapist at the hospital used to tell me when I was upset.

"I felt like that…when I saw it on the news. Like how could I not have seen? But then, how could I have? I saw him 45 minutes a day…maybe. And I was hanging out with Holly J or doing my homework or focusing on guys I thought were cute. I was a stupid freshman; I wasn't busy checking out Drake to see if he was homicidal. I mean, I knew he was bad news…so I stayed away." Anya replied.

"I feel bad for Johnny and Bruce. I'm sure they didn't think their friend was going to pull a knife on a guy for no reason. No one ever wants to admit when there is something wrong with their friends, especially when they always hang out. It's like admitting that you can't handle helping your friend yourself." I pushed away from the fence and looked at the ground.

"I'd feel pretty freaked if Holly J just like attacked someone…physically at least." She laughed at the last part and smiled at me.

"Yeah, verbally I'd be waiting. Physically…I might just run for cover." I responded.

Holly J was at her brunch. Anya had wanted to take a walk and I had agreed to walk with her, it seemed like a good way to get out of the house for a little while. Bored, we had walked here to the burn down sight of Lakehurst Secondary School. The sign was still intact, sitting there and welcoming it's former students to it's demolished foundation. Sort of ironic I suppose, for the way everything had seemed to turn out for Lakehurst students.

"Speaking of…when do you think her lunch will be over?" Anya asked, turning away from the school.

"Who knows, might as well enjoy the quiet while we can." I smiled at her and followed her away from the school.

If it were still intact I would have been attending Lakehurst. I would have still met Anya and Holly J and Johnny and Bruce. I would have still been having a sleepover. But we wouldn't have been standing here now, staring at the burned down school. Who knows where we would have been.

I was kind of glad Lakehurst had burned down. It made talking to Anya easier. There was something there underneath surface optimism and cute clothing that we could talk about. Another level that we connected on because she was ostracized for her schooling background and I had ostracized myself for my personal background.


	7. 21 Guns

**I wrote this chapter around the same time I started writing this piece, i was going to hold off longer but i think that this chapter marks a large turning point in the story. **

**Sorry I barely let you guys read chapter 6 and now I'm adding chapter 7. I hope you enjoy both of them and please...this chapter is really important to me, so let me know what you think.**

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><p>I exhaled, enjoying the way my cheeks puffed when I pushed air out of my mouth. I was sitting across from Ms. Sauve because she was taking a personal day on Thursday. I wasn't sure exactly how that was an okay thing, especially since according to Mrs. Hatzilakos some people <em>really<em> needed therapy.

"So…how are you feeling today?" Ms. Sauve asked, as usual.

"Like you should probably be more concerned that Mr. Simpson's crazy daughter just took her dress off in front of the whole school and she wasn't wearing anything underneath." I responded, glancing at my chipping nails. A peachy sort of pink affectionately named '_my Chihuahua bites'_ on every nail but my left hand middle finger, which had been painted a lighter pink with a much less whimsical name.

"I'm sure that Mr. Simpson and his wife are talking to Emma, she was only showing her opinion of what Purple Dragon represents." Ms. Sauve stated.

"Isn't there an episode of Hannah Montana like that? Minus the naked girl?" I asked, "Besides…I'm fine."

"Are you?" She asked, ignoring my earlier question.

"Yeah. I'm starting that work-study at Morris Arboretum next week. I got that job in the mall I told you about…I start this weekend. So, I'm fine." I replied.

"Educational and financial security aren't the only things that a person needs to worry about in life. What about friends and family and your own personal feelings?" Ms. Sauve asked.

"I have good friends, I've been hanging out with Anya more too, not just Holly J. My mom won't talk to me unless she's giving me advice, reprimanding me, or telling me how to behave. My brother is still angry, most of the time he's been good though. And personally I feel like I wanna go home."

"I think you need to try and sit down with your mother and talk to her." Ms. Sauve stated.

"I have tried. She doesn't want to talk to me about that." I replied.

My mom wanted to pretend like nothing happened, like somehow she had gone through last year with blinders on. I wish I had her determination. I wish I could close my eyes at night and not see the lights of the bridge as we rode our bikes up to middle. I wish I couldn't feel the rush of the wind against my cheeks as I stood there watching Matt. He promised he'd come back. I wish I'd never answered my phone that night and promised to meet him. But I had, and even if I hadn't I knew things would still be this way.

"I know I should tell you to just let things play out for a while but I'm going to tell you that honestly…you need to go and talk to your mom. I don't think you can really start to move on until then." Ms. Sauve stated. I was surprised; usually she wanted to work through my problems with me. But I guess she was right…there was a lot of anger I was holding in toward my mom that wasn't going to go away overnight.

I nodded my head and bit on my fingertips to keep from talking.

"I guess you can go." Ms. Sauve stated and smiled at me.

I spent the whole walk home anxious. Thoughts rushing through my head. I had no idea what I was going to say to my mom. I wanted her to understand where I was coming from but we had never had this talk before. When I was in the hospital she came on the weekends, sometimes. She told them it was too hard for her because of my brother being at home. But it was hard for her because she didn't want to look at me, she didn't want to talk to me or admit that there was something wrong with her eldest daughter.

Ms. Sauve was right though. We needed to talk because we never had. We always moved around the issue without really addressing it. After my dad died we talked a lot about it. It was easier to talk. It was easier because there was something there, something inside his body that he couldn't fight. We knew he was going to die, that we only had a certain amount of time with him. He couldn't save himself. But I knew how my mom felt about Matt. That this was his entire fault. He didn't have to die; he wasn't fighting a disease. But I was pretty sure he had been fighting a disease. Just not one people could understand.

"Mom, I need to talk to you." I dropped my bag and by the door and pulled my shoes off to come into the house. Jonah wasn't downstairs and my mom was in the dining room, setting the table for another dinner with her "friend".

"About what Scout? Gary is coming over and I'm trying to get ready." She stated, only glancing up for a moment before rushing into the kitchen.

"I told Ms. Sauve to end our sessions." I replied. Technically she had told me not to come back until I talked to my mom, but then the conversation wouldn't include me…just my mom and the school.

"Why would you do that?" She stopped finally and looked at me.

"I don't need a counselor or a therapist. And I don't need more doctors' visits mom. I just need to have some time for a little while. I'm not in need of repair or anything…I just need to figure out who I am right now, in this place." I had thought of the sentence the entire walk home from school, trying to decide how I would explain this to her.

"Scout, you need to see a counselor. You need to get better." My mom replied, I felt like a toddler, the way she looked at me when she spoke.

"You just want it the way it was before."

"Is that so much to ask?" My mom snapped, looking away.

"My best friend died mom." I think it was the first time I said it out loud. It felt strange, like a foreign language coming off my tongue when I never knew how to speak it before.

"He chose to die Scout. And you ruined your life because of it."

"I didn't ruin my life. I'm here aren't I? Can't you once just say 'thank god she's alive'." I tried not to choke on the end of my sentence.

"Alive for what? You threw your whole life away." My mom argued.

"I'm standing here in front of you. Standing mom. I'm speaking, without problems. I can hear, I can talk, I can walk, I can feed myself, I can think on my own, I can dress myself. I am completely and physically alive and well."

"You're still in pain."

"I will always be in pain. There will never be a day that I don't wake up feeling some kind of pain. I will never go to a ballet academy and travel the world in a company and I know that. And I'm okay with that. I'm 15 years old, I have years ahead of me that I haven't even considered yet." I replied, I hadn't meant to get into everything now. Not like this, I wanted to talk…I didn't want to be angry anymore. I could hear Anya's voice in my head; everything we had talked about on Saturday was fresh in my mind. I was done being angry at nothing.

"You had so much going for you! And you threw it all away because of some boy!" I must have inherited my emotional status from my mother. She looked absolutely livid and on the verge of tears standing in front of me.

"He wasn't some boy! He was my best friend! Matt was my best friend in the whole world and I let him down. I have to face everyday knowing that I could have done something and I didn't even realize it. And you didn't even care. I called you from the police station in tears and you did nothing but pick me up and take me home. My best friend died that day and you could have cared less." I pushed my glasses up and wiped my eyes.

"He killed himself. He chose to die." Her words hurt more then I imagined a knife to my back would have.

"Is that what you would have said if I had died that day on the roof. Would you have looked at my casket the way you looked at his mother. Like none of it was important because he was the one that stood on that bridge and took the step off. I bet you would have stood outside the church, warning everyone not to go in because I was just a stupid kid that chose to die." I had argued with my mother before, but never like this.

"I wouldn't have let you do something so stupid."

"_I_ threw myself off a roof mom. You weren't a part of that. I didn't even think about you. And I'm here because it wasn't supposed to happen that way. Not because you didn't want it to happen that way. Do you really think Matt's parents _let_ him jump off that bridge." I shouted.

"You could have been so much."

"You're one to talk, you got screwed over twice by the same guy. What happened to all your dreams huh?" I hadn't meant to dig that deep. It just came out of my mouth.

"I have to support you and your brother. Someday when you're my age and have children you'll understand what I'm going through."

"When are you going to try to understand what I'm going through?"

"You're being ridiculous Scout. If you want someone to talk to go back to Ms. Sauve."

"I should be able to talk to my mom. I should be able to tell you how I felt that night. I stood there on the bridge and watched him climb out. I saw him jump. Did you ever think how I felt, sitting there in the Police Station. And when they found his body you wouldn't even let me see him or go talk to his parents."

"It was a dead body."

"I could have gone for Lynn and her husband. Their son mom, their son was dead. All of his belongings were burned and his pictures were destroyed. They have one picture of him as a baby and a picture I found of us when we were 11. That's it. Nothing else is left. He erased himself from the world mom and you wanted me to do what, forget him. Erase him from my memory?"

"I want you to get better."

"I'm not going to! I'm not going to just get better and be okay for the rest of my life. I watched someone end his life. I can't just move on and be okay. I'm messed up mom."

"I can't help you."

"I just want you to accept how I am now, here. I want you to look at me with the same prideful look you used to. I want you to treat me the way you treat Jonah…I just…I want you to be proud of me.

"For what?"

"For surviving."

"That's nothing to be proud of."

The doorbell rang behind me and I just stood there, crying in the middle of the living room. I hadn't cried this hard in my whole life. Anything I had been holding in from Matt or my dad was out now, I was sobbing. My nose felt clogged and my face was beet red I'm sure. I could hardly breathe I was crying so hard.

My mom walked passed me, her face emotionless. "Go upstairs so Gary doesn't see you like that."

The door opened and I heard her greet him, suddenly cheerful and full of optimism. I walked to the stairs, my head down as I hurried upstairs. I could hear her telling him that I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be joining them for dinner.

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><p><em> In Loving Memory Of Matt A. <em>


	8. Whatsername

**Okay, chapter 8 up. I'm a little distressed that I have 8 chapters and like techincally...two avid reviewers. (who I love! Many thanks to both of you!) But really...if you read this story I'd love your feedback!**

**Okay so...last chapter Sid had a serious fight with her mom...this chapter...Sid takes things to extremes to get herself some attention.**

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><p>I didn't eat dinner with my mom and Gary that night. I let my brother handle dinner while I sat outside on the porch steps where they couldn't see me. My mom didn't come out to get me when dinner was finished being prepared. I heard her call Jonah downstairs, she sounded nearly cheerful but I could hear that slight edge under her tone.<p>

I had gone downstairs shortly after Gary arrived, muttering a hello to him before walking through the kitchen and out the back to sit on the porch. I wasn't going to sit in my room all night moping; I at least wanted some fresh air.

I wonder what Gary would have thought if he walked into the house and saw my mother and I screaming at each other. I imagined he would have been shocked, after all, my mother acted so sweet to him when he came over.

My shoes, my phone and my money were inside the house sitting by the front door waiting for me to take them upstairs into my bedroom. Afraid to go back inside I stood up, pulling my socks off and tossing them onto the porch. People might think I was crazy, walking around Toronto without shoes but they'd think I was even crazier if I had just socks on. My mom could worry if she wanted, I didn't care anymore, not after what had happened in there.

Lynn and her husband would have given anything for Matt to be alive again but my mom couldn't even be happy that I was standing in front of her. She always wanted more then that. She couldn't brag to her friends that I had pulled through a hard time, it was embarrassing to her.

I had only been there once but I remembered my way to the Ravine. I considered that I probably shouldn't be barefoot at a place like that. I would no doubt contract an STD from touching the grass with my skin. But I would take my chances because I knew Holly J would completely humiliate me about showing up at her house crying with bare feet. At the Ravine I would probably be handed a beer and a joint.

I saw Bruce near the entrance of the Ravine, chatting up some skanky looking girl. For once I was pretty sure even Bruce could do better. But that was the thing about the Ravine I had gathered from my last expedition. Girls here were either tough enough to beat the shit out of you or skanky enough to do you in public.

Bruce didn't look up from the girl as I walked passed them. I doubt he even noticed me with a girl like that standing in front of him. I walked down the hill and passed a worse-for-the-wear looking van. There was a niner near a case of beer. I only knew he was a niner because they had media immersions before me and he was always lagging behind in my seat and mouthing off to me.

"Hey, you're that chick that hangs around DiMarco sometimes?" He asked as I came over.

"Last time I checked I wasn't a bird." I replied, grabbing a bottle of beer from the case…how classy, and here I was expecting cans.

"What?" He asked, looking at me strangely.

"I would tell you but I'm not sure you'd understand." I took a sip of my beer. I preferred Corona Light…it was the kind I used to jack from my dad's frig whenever he went out on Saturday nights and left me with my brother.

"Whatever." He shrugged.

I turned away from him and watched two people making their way out of the van that I had passed on the way to the Ravine's attempt at a beer garden. I had only been here once and I had seen people in the van then too. It seemed like an odd place to hang around.

"What's up with the van?" I asked, looking back at the guy standing there behind me.

"Didn't know you were so green." He laughed and took my arm, leading me away from the beer garden.

I didn't say anything; just let him lead me to the van. He dropped his beer can at the door, the contents spilling into the grass. I followed suit and dropped my bottle on the grass, watching it almost bounce in a way but not break.

He leaned passed me once I was inside, letting the door slide shut and click. I still didn't know what went on in here but I took a wild guess the moment I saw the blankets and pillows everywhere. It wasn't displayed like a bed for kicks. The niner didn't bother verbally explaining, assuming I was smart enough to catch on when he leaned forward and started kissing me. I probably should have felt a little offended, being taken advantage of like that.

A doctor that had once talked to my mother and me about my case mentioned that I acted in a sort of instant-gratification mode. Even when I was angry. If I was mad at someone I would act out in a way that didn't necessarily hurt them but got attention anyway. I guess that was what I was doing now. I wasn't like Jonah, I didn't hurt people when I got angry, I just hurt myself.

His lips were chapped and his short hair felt dirty under my fingers but he was cute enough with his freckles and his pale skin. His baggy clothes bugged the hell out of me as my hands tried to find their way beneath his hoodie and shirt. I didn't understand why these kids bothered with clothes like these. He had obviously done this before, I could tell by the way his hands gripped my hips and moved along my sides.

The niner tasted like beer and pot, a buried toothpaste taste made me believe he had brushed his teeth before coming to the Ravine for the night. I thought it was cute, a kid who actually cared about his hygiene. If only the overpowering taste of Bud light wasn't doing a job of masking the Colgate fresh mouth. Despite his controlling hands and fairly skilled movements his mouth was sloppy. Or maybe it was me. He banged my teeth at least three times before finally giving up on any sort of kissing involving French techniques. My mouth was freed and his lips were on my neck. At least the taste of pot was gone from my mouth. He seemed to be more skilled when there was nothing kissing back. I felt myself smile at the thought and I knew he thought I was smiling for him.

I was pissed off, that was why I was here. I was mad at my mom for all the things she finally said. I always knew what she thought, what was hiding behind her forced smile and her uncomfortable gaze. It felt so different though, hearing the words leave her mouth and watching her face as she yelled at me in the middle of the living room.

So screw her. And screw that dumbass Gary who thought he could be better than my dad. I felt like screaming, which wasn't entirely inappropriate considering the situation I had found myself in. But I knew how to say no and I chose not too so really, I had walked into this all on my own.

The niner was talented too; I could barely remember why I had been so angry in the first place. I'm sure that when Ms. Sauvé told me to find an outlet for my anger she didn't mean spending sometime in a van with a niner I didn't even know. But it was working and talking to my mom hadn't. Besides, _safety first_ seemed to be his rule as much as mine. It was good to know that my brand of self-inflicted pain didn't cause STD's or unplanned pregnancy. Which was a plus, since I still didn't know this kid's name.

And just like that, it was over. I felt similar to how I had when I was laying on the ground, before I blacked out and woke up in the hospital. Sort of peaceful.

I sucked a breath in through my nose and felt my body cave in as I exhaled. I pushed myself into a kneeling position and fixed my bra and underwear on my body. I probably should have worn cuter underwear; I tended to stock up on boy shorts while everyone around me was cashing in on a nice lacy thong. But I wasn't that kind of girl.

"This doesn't mean…"

"Yeah, I got that." I snorted a little at his initial comment.

"Just making sure. Last girl didn't." He muttered and yanked his shirt over his head.

"Yo! You done in there!" I heard Bruce shout before pounding his fist against the door.

"Here." The niner tossed me his hoodie because I couldn't seem to find my shirt in the pile of blankets. I took the hoodie and opened the van door, crawling out and slipping the hoodie on. I zipped it and felt the niner behind me, his body pressed against my back as he pushed me forward further.

"Sid?" I heard Bruce's voice behind me and I turned in time to see him crawling into the van with the girl from before.

"If you find my shirt bring it to school Bruce!" I shouted and the niner beside me laughed, dropping his arm around my shoulder and steering me toward a group of guys.

"I thought this wasn't..." I trailed off, looking at him. We were close in height, only a little taller than me.

"Whatever." He shrugged.

I was immediately forgotten when he greeted a group of older guys hanging around a picnic bench. I stood there beside him, listening to him talking to his friends about some stupid band or something. One of them handed me a can of beer, this tasting even worse than the bottle I had earlier. I drank anyway, pushing the sleeves of his jacket away from my hands so I could hold the can properly. My mother always told me not to be alone with more then one boy and to never take drinks handed to you by strangers. Tonight I pretended not to remember those two rules.

I tried to listen in for a while, looking around while they talked. I wasn't really looking for anything. Eventually I saw Bruce and that girl from earlier climb out of the van. She had smudged makeup and less clothing than before, if that was possible. Bruce looked happy and some guys near the fire fist pumped him when he walked over. She was obviously a trophy.

"Can I have a go with your girlfriend?" One of the guys shoved the niner in the arm when he asked, grinning at me.

"Sorry, you're not exactly my type." I responded, cocking my head to the right.

"Oh, she's got a type." Another one laughed.

"Yeah. Guys." I answered and grinned triumphantly as the niner next to me shoved his friend and laughed.

The guys around him laughed too, all of them enjoying their friend's humiliation. It was strange to me, these guys hung out all the time but the second one of them was made fun of these guys chewed them out.

The sun was officially down now and I'm sure Gary had left to go home finally. The fire was going strong and I stopped Johnny sitting there with Bruce who was laughing at something a guy with short black hair said. Johnny had a can of beer in his hand and he was reading something. I wonder how he managed to read while under the influence, sometimes reading sober made my head spin.

"Hey, what time is it?" I asked, turning to the niner.

"Like 10." He stated after flipping his phone open to check the screen.

"I gotta head out." I responded, looking down at the sweatshirt I was still wearing.

"Keep it. I'll see ya at school anyway." He made a show of kissing me and I let him, kissing back for the benefit of his friends who were watching.

"Thanks, see ya." I smiled at him before turning to his friend, "Here…my lips touched the can, should make you excited."

"I'll cherish it Cinderella!" He shouted behind me as I walked away. I turned briefly to give him the middle finger before continuing out of the Ravine.

Going to Holly J or Anya's would have been better. Maybe Anya would have understood what I was going through. Even if she hadn't she would have listened and offered advice. Instead I had gone to Ravine and had sex with a guy in a van. Now I was walking home with his hoodie protecting my unguarded upper body. It had felt easy though, it was easier to stand there with him while all his friends judged whether I was trophy enough then to try and live up to Holly J's standards. I guess I did feel the same way Anya felt.

When I finally got home Gary's car was still there. I would have turned and gone back but I couldn't mistake the black and white paint job of the police cruiser blocking my driveway. I hurried up the front steps and into the house.

My mom was standing in the living room crying, Gary had his arm around her. The policeman standing in front of them turned when I walked in the door. Jonah was sitting on the stairs leading up to the second level; he didn't look surprised to see me walk. Couldn't fool that kid. My mom and Gary looked over at me and my mom let out a shriek.

"Oh my god! I was so worried for you Scout! I didn't know what happened to you!" She cried and ran to me, throwing her arms around my body. She was not at all concerned with the foreign sweatshirt around me.

"Get off." I pulled away from my mom and stepped back. "I'm fine."

I was pissed at her. How could she run over and cry about how glad she was to see me when hours earlier she hadn't even cared that I was alive. I ran passed Jonah up the stairs and slammed my door shut. I wish I was the type of person who listened to heavy metal. This would be that perfect moment I imagined in movies, when the jaded teen runs to her room and turns on some sort of deafening screamo to block out her anger. Or fuel it on.

Instead I flopped on my bed and screamed into my pillow. A small part of me felt triumphant. I had won; I had embarrassed my mother in front of her smart, handsome new boyfriend and completely humiliated her in front of a member of the police force. She'd be one of those crazy moms they would laugh about at the station while they finished paperwork at night.

"Mom is outside apologizing to Gary." Jonah stated, walking into my room. My brother never knocked. I always had to lock the bathroom door because he would walk in on a person anywhere they were.

"I don't care." I mumbled, rolling over on my bed. I was starting to feel a little gross. I had just had sex with a niner that I didn't know the name of. My mom had gone into hysterics and called the police and now I was lying on my bed smelling like beer and sweat.

Jonah eyed me curiously, "Whose sweatshirt is that?"

"I don't know." I replied and rolled off my bed. I grabbed a shirt out of my drawer and opened my closet, standing behind the door and changing into a green tank top.

"You just found a sweatshirt on the road and pulled it on?" Jonah asked me.

"No, a guy gave it to me…I just don't know his name. He goes to my school." I responded, tossing the sweatshirt on my bed.

My brother didn't say anything back because my mom walked into my room, absolutely livid, like smoke could float out of her ears. Jonah hurried out of my room and I heard his door slam somewhere down the hall. I could only focus on my mom.

"How dare you! I was horrified to find you missing! And you just return like nothing happened?" She shouted.

"Nothing did happen! I went to meet up with some friends of mine. When you start caring about me more then your stupid boyfriend and your stupid job and your stupid self then I'll start giving a fuck about you! Until then I'll do whatever the hell I want!" I screamed at her. I was angry. Just as angry now as I had been when I left the house earlier. All the anger that had cooled itself down on the way to the Ravine and while I was there was back.

"While you live under my roof you live by my rules. And apparently I've been far to lenient. There will be some serious rules to follow from here on out."

"Just get the hell out of my room and leave me alone!" I yelled.

"Watch. Your. Mouth." She hated when I cursed though I had heard her curse enough times in my life.

"I hate you." I muttered and crossed my arms over my chest.

My mom walked out of my room without another word. I'm sure she would run to the phone and call up my grandma or one of her old friends and cry about how difficult I was. She would tell them all that I was acting out and being a brat.

I sighed and fell back on my bed, tossing the niner's hoodie over my head to block out the light. I didn't bother shutting my bedroom door or changing into pajamas. I just let myself fall asleep.


	9. Jesus Of Suburbia

**Sorry this took so long. I was super busy last week and didn't have much time to write. Plus I was trying to figure out what I wanted to say. Don't think I can beat my last two chapters but it still has to be good.**

**(So I know this story is all about Sid but like...if it was honestly Degrassi and she was a character on the show then it would be totally normal for her to be a main storyline most of the time.)**

**Story wise, it's been two weeks since Sid slept with the niner who shall now receive a name. **

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><p>"Want some?"<p>

His name was Mark. The niner from two weeks ago who I had avoided and then easily welcomed back was named Mark. He was nice enough most of the time but every once in a while he felt like being a pain in the ass. Right now I was hanging out with him again at the ravine, he and his friends never went anywhere else.

"No thank you." I replied and pushed the homemade bong away from my face.

"Aw come on, it's organic." Another one of his friends laughed. I think they were in twelfth grade. He had this cocky grin and 'I own the world' attitude that made me want to throw up but I sat here and forced myself to take it. I had the self-control of an army solider when it came to things like this.

"I don't do stupid shit like that." I replied. I didn't do marijuana. I didn't like the way it made me feel. I wasn't in control of my body when I did drugs, I had taken enough medication in the hospital to know what it was like to lose control of yourself. I liked to be in control of what was happening to me at all times. Even when I was choosing to ruin myself.

"Oh well, aren't you so wonderful." One of them mocked, making a high-pitched voice as he spoke.

I didn't respond, just turned my head to the side and buried my face in Mark's sweatshirt. His arm had been around me since I had gotten there and I couldn't remember ever agreeing to this being more than a 'sex in the van' thing. But now it seemed that it was and I was stuck dividing my time between Holly J and Mark. I got a nose full of tobacco and Axe that made me want to gag but I kept my position the way it was, choking silently on the smell.

I could hear the different conversations between the group of five even with my face buried in Mark's hoodie. None of it seemed interesting or made much sense to me. They never took anything seriously. At school we didn't speak. I stayed with Holly J and Anya and pretended like I didn't know a thing about Mark. Which was easy because honestly I didn't know a thing about him. He had his own group of friends too and they had their eager to please and regularly trashed hoard of girls that followed behind. He didn't need my attention, he didn't want it either. It was only at night, on nights like this one that were particularly difficult, when I came to the ravine and sat in his lap while he joked with his friends. I liked the feeling. I was in control of this. He wanted me right there next to him and I was happy to be wanted.

We didn't really talk. We occasionally teased each other and made snide comments about our daily activities. Proving that despite our ignorance at school we did pay some attention to each other. But we never went deeper then that. I didn't really _know _anything about him and I doubted he knew much about me. He had mentioned the other day that he didn't even know my last name. We really had nothing to talk about. I hated his grungy friends and he didn't like the way I dressed at school, like Holly J and Anya.

We just sort of sat together. And did other activities that involved us touching each other. But that was it. Everything between us was purely physical because that was all I wanted it to be. If I wanted something else I wouldn't be sitting at the ravine with Mark, listening to his friends laughing and feeling that jerk twelfth grader trying to find a ticklish spot on my by poking me. If I wanted something else I would just find it, or not bother with finding anything.

Holly J had been right before. I wanted Johnny. But I wanted more then just this. I wanted to actually know things about him, to not just be wanted back but to be needed and liked as well. I didn't really _want_ Mark, I just wanted someone who wanted me.

"I'm going to go." I whispered. Sometimes we didn't hook-up, we just sat together. This was one of those times, when everything between us was understated and quiet.

"A'right." He shifted as I steadied myself off his lap. His friends didn't really pay attention to us, they moved on to another equally empty topic to discuss.

"See you…maybe this week." I shrugged. I leaned over and he kissed me, the first time tonight we had shown any real _physical_ interest in each other besides my seat on his lap.

He nodded and looked away from me as he entered the conversation with his friends and I walked away from him.

I was getting used to the environment that was surrounding me since my mother's hysteric outburst two weeks prior. Sometimes, if I wanted to see Mark, I just wouldn't go home after school. I was learning my way around Toronto and my mom had yet to discover any of my hiding places. But when I returned home those nights she would be sitting there on the front steps waiting for me. Sometimes Gary would be there too, with his arm around her like he was offering some sort of comfort. I knew what he was offering; my mother was not that different from me. The window in Jonah's room faced the street and his light was always on. I knew he watched because the moment I stepped onto the pavement of our driveway the light went off.

When I walked up across the street I saw her sitting there, looking over at me and watching as I crossed the street. I stopped a few steps away from our front door and just stood there, my arms crossing over my chest.

"You're going to drive me to drink." My mother commented, standing up.

"Stop pretending like you give a fuck." I snapped and walked inside passed her.

"Scout!" She snapped. I could hear her footsteps as she followed me to the kitchen. "I don't know what has gotten into you lately but I will not be spoken too like that!"

I stopped short of the kitchen and turned to face her. I think I know how Jonah feels when he hits me. There's just this feeling burrowing inside my stomach and I think maybe I'll be sick from it but the other part of it just wants to raise a fist and punch the closest thing to me. I wish I could knock my mom out. "Then don't talk to me."

Maybe it wasn't physical, she wouldn't wake up tomorrow with a bruise staining her face. But the way she looked at me, like all the air had been sucked out of her, told me that I had indeed punched her. I had passed any outer barrier and hit her right where it counted and she couldn't think of a retaliation to save her life.

I shoved passed her, letting my physical want for brutality settle for a banging shoulder as I headed for the staircase. I let her stand there in the living room, abandoned and hurt, the same way she had left me two weeks ago when she told me I was better off dead. She wanted to pretend that I was hearing things but I wasn't deaf and I didn't know a person on earth who _wanted_ to hear someone tell them they'd be happy if they were dead.

I assume there are other people who come home to this. Who figure out how to live their lives skirting around awkward moments with people they don't really care about. They come home to parents who don't want to understand because understanding would require them to stop what their doing and _listen_. Lynn told me, after Matt died, that she wished she had listened more. There were times when life seemed so busy and she wanted to believe that he was old enough to handle it, but sometimes she didn't even feel old enough. It was too much responsibility on someone so young and if she had just stopped and listened. I knew the end of the sentence was 'he would still be alive' but I could never make myself say those words. I wanted it to be final because then there wouldn't be any reason to be so upset. But it wasn't final…there was always a nagging _'if'_ at the back of my that questioned every second of the time I spent with Matt.

My mom wouldn't listen. She wouldn't let me tell her my if's and listen to them. She would only pretend I didn't exist because then she wouldn't have failed as a parent. Then I wouldn't have thrown myself off a roof. Because I didn't fall and we both knew that. I was the invisible girl, always standing there in front of her like a ghost, never seen.

"Why can't you two just get along?" Jonah would have screamed at me if he had walked in and I had been changing. But he still always just walked in, like he owned my room. I was invisible to him too.

"It's really not that simple." I muttered.

"That's because you make it difficult. Mom was happier before and now she's always miserable thanks to you." Jonah huffed. He was only on my side when it benefited him.

"Mom was happier? I was happier too. I was a fucking beam of sunshine. You cried and cried and cried for dad like he was a fucking saint and I sat back and watched. I was there for you. And you know what? Fuck him. He's just like Matt, taking advantage of people, making them believe all these shitty promises and then just erasing themselves and leaving you hanging." I shouted, I felt angry. He always did this to me, came in my room like he was some sort of judge, putting me on trial for something I didn't do. My mom wasn't miserable because of me, it was her own fault that she was miserable. I knew it was wrong to speak ill of the dead, or however they say it, but I was mad at my dad. He had played us until the very last moment, making us believe all these lies and leaving us with nothing. Not even a good memory.

"They're not the same! Dad loved us." Jonah shouted back. I wonder if my mom can hear us, if she's at the bottom of the stairs listening.

"Don't lie to yourself Jonah."

It was my fault this time, I would admit that. I had provoked him, my mom wasn't just making it up. My words had played in his mind and taunted him to try something. With no one else in the room to yell he could hit me as many times as he wanted until my mom managed her way up the stairs. In sixth grade we learned about domestic abuse. Some victims of it came to our school and talked about fathers and boyfriends and husbands that had beat them when they were younger. I wanted to ask them now if any of them had ever been hit by their brother. Did it still count as domestic violence. Who do I call when my 12 year old brother decides to throw his fist at my ear? I could only thank god my holes had closed up and I had stopped wearing earrings.

"Jonah!" My mom had heard. She was upstairs as his fist collided with my ear. The side of my face felt the instant pain, that sharp feeling that came before the actual intensity of the hit.

He didn't say anything. He stood there at my door and stared at me as I pressed my hand to my ear. What did he think? My mom says he can't help it. That he just gets angry and doesn't know what's happening. He just gets angry and can't release the anger from anywhere but his fists.

"Get out! Get out, get out, get out!" I shoved him away from me and slammed the door to my room in both of their faces. I wanted ice to numb the feeling on the side of my face. I would have to go back downstairs for something like that. I would go the night on my own.

"Scout." My mom always followed up her calling to us by rapping on our door, as if we didn't hear her voice clear enough.

"Fuck off." I think I used the word more when I was with Mark. I would come home and it seemed that every sentence I spoke had an appropriate space for the word.

She didn't reply.

I fell asleep laying on top of my bed in my jeans and my tee-shirt, I had taken my shoes off downstairs. I managed to change my underwear and adjust my bra when my mom knocked again on my door. She was stupid if she thought I was going to jump out my second story window to go out, especially last night. Or maybe she was just telling me that I needed to get ready for school, which I was halfway through.

Either way I answered with a "what".

"Are you getting ready for school? I need to take Jonah in early, can you manage yourself?" She called.

Of course she had to take Jonah in early. He was probably up for some distinguished student award. And there she was on the other side of the door pretending like nothing ever happened last night. My mom's memory would make millions envious.

"I'll be fine." I called back. I yanked on the same jeans I wore yesterday and a plain white v-neck, similar to my first day at Degrassi. I was too lazy to go about making myself into a third Holly J. She would have to deal with my wardrobe.

"Alright, bye sweetheart." Her voice faded and I heard her footsteps as she walked down the stairs away from me.

There was no Anya to chat with on the way to school and I found myself replaying last night's events in my head. I should talk to Ms. Sauve, I knew that. Maybe she was paid to listen but at least she was listening. She would hear me over the nonsense of high school drama and she would know what was happening. When I did finally arrive to school Holly J was just stepping out of her car. She made a quick grab for my arm, yanking me toward her instead of letting me go toward the stairs.

"Where's the fire HJ?" I pulled out of her grasp but continued to follow her.

"Has Mia been talking to you too?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"About what? Mia and I don't really run in the same circles." I replied, I knew what she was talking about. I figured word would find a way to Holly J.

"She told Anya that we hang out too much and that I'm manipulating her." Holly J replied, clearly pissed. "And she's one to talk. I'm not the one who kissed Sav when he liked Anya and Anya liked him."

"Mia didn't actually know Sav liked Anya." I shrugged, that was the story according to Anya. I assumed Mia wouldn't lie to her. Hell, Anya didn't even know Sav liked her.

"Are you seriously defending that future high school drop out? It's just a matter of time before mommy stops taking care of her and she actually has to get a job." Holly J replied.

"Well someone's in a bitchy mood this morning." I muttered and opened my locker. It always took me at least two tries to open the stupid lock, I was horrible with remembering which way to twist the knob.

"At least I know how to apply foundation…looking a little dark under the eyes there darling." She stated and flicked her hair over her shoulder.

I rolled my eyes and didn't bother to chance a look in the mirror I had attached to the inside of my locker. I had barely slept last night. My head was still reeling with a migraine and I couldn't even see straight when I woke up this morning. Not to mention the bruised skin around my ear. I had covered as much as I could with make-up and figured a bruised cheek and ear was easier to explain if anyone did see.

"Are you having your birthday party over break?" Holly J asked, looking down the hall passed me. No doubt trying to locate Anya.

"I'm not having a birthday party." I shut my locker and headed toward English.

"No party? Are you insane? You're frigging turning sixteen and your not having a birthday party?" She asked, following closely behind. Couldn't she just go to class.

"Nope." I stopped outside Mrs. Kwan's room and turned to face Holly J as I spoke.

"I would seriously think about it if I was you." She stated.

"See you after class." I turned and walked in, passed some empty seats in the back to my spot beside Darcy's sleep.

She had some sort of major breakdown last week and wasn't in school today. I didn't see any of it, I was in the nurse's office when it happened. Holly J relayed to my later that Johnny and Darcy were on the roof making out and Peter and Manny found them and all sorts of irrelevant shit happened after that. Irrelevant to me at least. I had stopped listening after she mentioned Johnny.

He was in school today. I guess none of it fazed him. Or he just had a really thick layer of skin, but even then I'd assume with a whole school of students hating you it was hard to be that tough. I had seen him at the ravine a lot in the past two weeks. Always showing up with Bruce and that black haired guy that Mark finally told me was named Lucas.

The rest of my classes when smoothly until I got to lunch. Holly J, who was still obsessed with my birthday coming up over spring break, wanted me to have a party. I had missed her party, which had occurred at the very beginning of the year, before the Lakehurst/Degrassi merger. I wasn't as disappointed as Holly J probably assumed I would be when she told me that I had missed out. I wasn't exactly the party type. There were too many people, I wasn't in control of parties.

"Sid," I was leaving the school finally after 8th period when Mark grabbed my elbow from behind.

"Uh, hey, what's up?" We never spoke in school, it was like a silent rule between us. It just wasn't typical that our social circles would clash.

"I heard your birthday is next week?" He mentioned, letting go of me and walking beside me out of the school.

"Uh, yeah…next Saturday." I replied, people could see us, someone would tell Holly J and Anya that I was talking to Mark.

"Are you doing anything? I was thinking we could go out?" He said it casually, like it wasn't some big deal. I had never been asked out before…was that what he was doing? Was that what our relationship was now?

" No, uh…that'd be cool." I nodded, I wanted to seem casual too. Of course I was chewing on my lip like a moron. Typical girl in a movie scene, I was so cliché it made me want to gag.

"Awesome, see ya later." He walked away as if nothing had ever happened, rejoining his group of friends from the ravine as they came out of school. I watched him greet them, all of them immediately leaving in the direction of the ravine.

I wasn't entirely sure this was what I wanted. I wanted someone who paid attention and wanted me. I didn't really want a_ boyfriend. _I didn't want dates or flowers or having to act different then I usually would. I was perfectly fine with sitting on Mark's lap and drinking a beer while he smoked marijuana and joked with friends. I thought that was what he wanted too. Hanging around the ravine and having sex in a van, something easy that didn't take any real effort on either of our parts. Now he wanted me to be his girlfriend, an exclusive right that really didn't bind me in any way. I was a one-guy kind of girl as it was. But I didn't want to _date_ Mark.

"Scout!" My mom's car was sitting there in the carpool line and she had a frustrated look on her face. She had been waiting for a while then.

I got in the car and slammed the door shut, tossing my bag in the backseat. I was glad that Jonah and I weren't in the same school anymore, he didn't have to argue about who got the front seat or whether I hit him with my backpack.

"Who was that boy?" My mom had these moments when she tried to be normal. I think she was more happy then anything to see me talking to a boy, it gave her hope that maybe I was still okay.

"My boyfriend." I replied, it wasn't completely true, we had never gone on a date before. But we had been hanging out for two weeks now.

"What? Since when?" She looked horrified. Obviously that wasn't the kind of guy she imagined me dating. She had been thrilled to meet Holly J and Anya, two normal, nice looking girls that would steer me in a good direction. Now I was announcing a relationship with a boy who wore ill-fitting clothing and looked like a generally misbehaved person.

"Two weeks ago. Mark's cool." I shrugged.

"What grade is Mark in?" She asked, looking over at me. Wasn't she supposed to be watching the road. I guess she would have been if the road was dating Mark.

"He's a niner." I replied.

"A what?" I knew she wouldn't know what it meant. That's why I said it.

"He's in ninth grade." I answered.

"Ah, I do you have any classes with him?" She asked.

"No. Is this really going to be 20 questions?" I asked, looking over at her because I didn't have to concentrate on the road.

"I'm just curious. I really am interested in your life Scout." My mom replied, as if two weeks ago she had yelled at me in the living room. My family suffered from selective short-term memory loss.

"Uh-huh. Well I'm going out next Saturday. Just to let you and you're new 'involved' personality enough heads up." I stated.

We pulled up on front of the house and I grabbed my bag from the floor, a quick getaway was everything. I didn't want to deal with my mom today, being home alone with her until the bus dropped off Jonah and she could focus her attention on dinner and my younger brother.

"Next Saturday is your birthday."

"I figure since we didn't celebrate me turning 13, 14 or 15 we really don't need to celebrate me turning 16. Besides, I'm going out with people." I responded, kicking my shoes off at the doorway.

"Mark?" My mom asked. Now everything I did would revolve around the boy I was sort-of dating.

"Holly J and Anya." I replied. "Holly J want's to throw me a party." It was easier than answering yes.

"Well then, I hope it's fun, we'll have a cake on Friday."

My mom knew nothing about me. The first time she threw me a birthday party I was six years old and locked myself in the bathroom because I was so terrified of all the kids running around. Every year after that I protested having parties and usually tried to convince my mom simply to take Matt and I to the movies. She rarely listened though. Now, 16 years later, she still didn't know how much I detested a party.

I wish she had known I was lying. Maybe then I would believe her when she told me that she wanted to be invested in my life. But it was hard to believe anything she said when she didn't know a thing about me.


	10. Sorry

**Hey!**

This story has been sitting for a while and I was reading through it and there are parts that I'm not particularly happy with. So I've decided to edit and tie up so loose ends. I'm going to leave When It's Time up while I start re-writing and changing things. I'll be posting edited chapters of When It's Time under a new name. I saw a video on youtube with a song by Gregory&The Hawk called Boats&Birds.

So starting tomorrow I'll post the new story under the title Boats&Birds. It will still follow a lot of the same story line but more believable. You guys can go check that out and look at this and tell me what you think of the new writing. I really hope you guys like it.

Much Love,

Addie Larae


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